Like my dad used to say when
I asked if he was proud of me, “Hey, let’s talk about sports.” (laughter) The NBA Finals started
on Thursday, and in game two last night,
the Golden State Warriors beat the Cleveland LeBron James. -(laughter)
-Now… I’ve been suspicious of the NBA
ever since I first learned of their nefarious plot to force
Jazz on the people of Utah. But… the NBA is
now so progressive that it’s not just
one of my enemies, like fiber
and dogs with human names. No. The NBA deserves
an even more evil title: Nemesis. (rock music playing) (cheering, applause) And I can’t expose a threat
this big without a teammate, so let’s bring in
citizen-journalist Tim Baltz. (cheering, applause) -Would you stop…
-Thanks, Jordan. Shoot. -I…
-Thanks, Jordan. Thanks, Jordan. So psyched to be on your squad. I… I said
don’t bring the ball… I said don’t bring
the ball on set. -You need to put that away.
-Don’t worry, -I won’t play with it, I swear.
-Put… put it away. -I won’t…
-Fine. Now, Tim, the NBA has become a…
a total abomination to American values–
tell me I’m right. Big time, J-dawg. Instead of shutting up
and balling hard, these rock pounders
have become mouthpieces of progressive politics. There are teams wearing
“I can’t breathe” shirts, and players giving speeches
about police violence. Plus, LeBron James called
President Trump’s views “laughable and scary.” That’s treason. The only two adjectives
acceptable for our president are sexy, and– oops,
I already said sexy. I guess it’s just one adjective. The NBA needs to respond
to these protests the way the NFL is going to,
by fining teams. And that will really sting
because NFL owners are notoriously poor. But, of course, goody-two-shoes
Warriors coach, Steve Kerr, had to stick his nose
in the NFL’s business. Patriotism in America isn’t
about protesting. Oh, no, no. It’s about fireworks
and eagles, and the EPA letting us use
fireworks to shoot down eagles. Yeah. They’re a bunch of leggy
limousine liberals. Plus, they’ve been infiltrated
by globalists. Yeah, literally. More than a fifth of the league
is now foreign born players from 42 countries
and territories, and they’re avoiding
technical fouls by swearing
in their native tongues. It’s disgraceful. I mean, what’s to stop
some French guy from saying: (speaking French) (laughter) I have no clue what that means, which makes it
even more offensive. Yeah. Big time. It means go jerk off
at the grocery store, you dirty asshole. (laughter) Very long story behind
how I know that. Basically, I was standing
outside of a grocery store… You got to move on.
You got to move on. Just move on. Move on. -Right. Okay.
-Keep it moving. The point is, the league
is trying to tell us these foreigners are good
for the game, but that’s just globalist spin. No, don’t. S– Don’t, Tim. No. -It’s just globalist spin.
-No, no, no. Tim, no. -Hold on. It’s globalist spin.
-Don’t. No. Just hold– You need to hold it
with two hands, Tim. -Ugh, I broke a– yeah.
-Tim. Hold it, all right? -I broke a nail. -Mo– No.
Hold it. Hold– Can you…? Move on. Move on to women and
how they’re ruining basketball. Oh, are they ever. Great. -Are you okay?
-Yeah. Not only does the NBA have
the first female assistant coach in major league sports,
Becky Hammon, they also were the first
professional sport with not one,
but three female referees. (whooping) I mean,
besides major league soccer. Yes, so, yeah, they were
the first professional sport. -Exactly.
-Yeah. Female refs, Jordan,
think about it. Women are whistling at men. They’re stealing our
construction site moves. Yeah, female refs is a bad call. If I wanted a woman to tell me
I’d done something wrong, I’d get married and expose her
to my personal habits. (laughter) Sorry, but these gals
aren’t getting a pass. No. Don’t. Don’t pa– Don’t. No. -They’re not getting a pass.
-No. Don’t pa– Don’t. No. Don’t. No. Don’t. -On-On the issue of…
-No. Don’t. Uh, being in– -They’re not getting a pass.
-Don’t. Don’t. Just… You know what? Just-Just-Just… Just go. Just do– finish. Just-Just finish
this (bleep) segment. Okay, all right. So the NBA actually stands for
National Beta Association, because the players have gotten
softer than good toilet paper. I mean, take a look
at these cucks, Jordan. TV REPORTER:
The NBA’s wine addiction.NBA players, they-they like
their wine okay. These guys are students
of the game and you’re– -they’re kind of students of
the grape, these days. -Mm-hmm. TV REPORTER:Stars like
Kyrie Irving and Damian Lillardhave gone vegan or vegetarian
in the past yearto help them perform on court.I was always looking for an the
edge both on and off the courtthat was gonna get me ahead
in my profession and in life.And I thought yoga was really
the right thing to do.Jesus. Kevin Love is about
to gentrify half court. Yeah, at the end of the finals,
the coach is gonna get showered with a cooler full of kombucha. Yeah, yeah. That’s a yeast infection
just waiting to happen. Here’s what’s worse. That in spite of
all these namaste and plants-chomping
wine-sniffers, the NBA’s ratings are now
at a four-year high. And it doesn’t track. It’s like the more progressive
the league gets, the more popular it becomes. -Free thinkers… yeah.
-(whooping, applause) We need to shut
this nemesis down. Yes. Then the other sports
can steal their viewers. No, don’t. No. Don’t. And then the networks
will block their games. Don’t. Stop it.
No, just– No. Okay. So that Trump
can full-court press them. -Okay. No. Stop it. Don’t.
-Man-on-man, -Please don’t. No. No.
-One-on-one, -until the advertisers
call foul. -No. No. -Stop it. Stop it. Stop hitting.
-Or a technical foul. -Tim Baltz. Stop it.
-Or a flagrant foul. The fight continues.
The fight — Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.