♪ [sunny music] ♪
(Ah, what a peaceful and nice day) Max [off-screen]: What the FUCK is this?
(OK then) David, we DEFINITELY ate this last week. David: Now now, Max, don’t complain about the menu. [facetious] We’re not as fancy as the Cheesecake Factory. Quartermaster pulls from a limited number of recipe- Max [interrupts]: No, David. I mean, we LITERALLY ate this last week. The sandwich I got served has a bite taken out of it. Neil: Yeah, and I’m pretty sure this salad is just grass clippings. Nikki: Oh, quit your whining. Dessert looks delicious! Hup!
(Ded meme) Aaaaaaaaaaaaa… David: Let’s not go through that again. – [nom]
– David: [grunts] I know it seems extreme, but we’re operating on a limited budget for a limited time and we all have to make limited sacrifices.
– Nikki: [grunting for dear life] Nurf [off-screen]: Ahem. I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth, because gross,
(rimshot) but I think I speak for everyone when I say this food is bullshit. Campers: [arguing]
(except an applauding Space Kid) Dolph: Ohh, come now, mein comrades. This food is not that bad. [steaming] Old Animatronic Fad: ♫ Old times… – [clap]
– …beat you ♫ Dolph: Ah, it is delightful as it is inedible,
but it IS delightful. David: Thank you, Dolph. Nerris: Thanks a lot, Dolph! Nurf: Yeah, this is why you don’t have any friends. Max: I mean, I don’t think it’s the only reason.
(hint hint, writers) [stepping sounds] [Looney Tunes whistle]
Space Kid: You gonna eat that? 😀 Max: [sigh] This blows. Dolph [off-screen]: Ach! [grunts] [slowed-down collision] Ohh. Pardon me, Max, but vould you mind helping me lift zis
giant box of candy into ze trash? – [MAX ATTACK!]
– [groan] Max: Giant box of… [angelic choir] [gasp] Dolph: Candy! Ooh, und a flashlight. I need this. Max: Dolph, this is incredible! Where did this come from?! Dolph: Hah, mein uncle. He owns a chocolate factory in Vankendorf. Max: Don’t you get how valuable this is?! We’re all scarfing down LITERAL garbage,
while you’ve been sitting on this mother lode. Dolph: But Max, zere is no candy allowed at Camp. David says it attracts ants, raccoons, bears, diabetics- Max [interrupts]: Forget about David, Dolph. I’ve seen Preston trade a week o’ chores
for a piece of candy corn. With your stash, we can own this place. You and me. Dolph: Like, as friends? Max: Uhh, sure, if that’s what it takes. Dolph: I’ve always vanted un friend!
(too pure) Okay. Vhat do I have to do? Max: Just give me everything you have. Dolph: UN DEAL! ♫ Ohhhhh ♫ ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪ And have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe,
but guys and gals it’s true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪ ♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities ♪ ♪ And no, that’s not hyperbole ♪ ♪ Our motto’s “Campe Diem”, and that means I’m telling yoooooooou ♪ ♪ We’ve got ♪ ♪ Archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ Horseback,
training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♪ ♪ Scuba diving, miming ♪ ♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting ♪ ♪ Pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪ ♪ Bomb defusal, no refusal ♪ ♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪ ♪ And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪ ♪ And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪ ♫ It’s Camp Camp ♫ Max: I’m gonna teach you what friendship is all about, Dolph. Lesson One – Friends never ever snitch on each other. Lesson Two – Friends keep an eye out for David. And Lesson Three – Friends take the fall if we ever get busted. Dolph: I can handle this. But Max, vhat if David finds out about the candy? Or ze animals come for it? Max: Neither of those things will ever happen, so long as you follow the lessons of friendship. Oh, and Lesson Four is run slower than me
if a bear shows up. – Dolph: Okay.
– [tug] Max: OHHH, we got something! A Fish Called Nikki: Oof! [muffled] Back off! I saw it first! Kingpin Max: Oh-ho, Nikki. There’s more where that came from. Nikki: Is that… sour powder candy?! No! No, I need to stay away from the pure stuff.
(not as pure as Dolph) After what happened LAST TIME with the boat race,
and the fire, and the bears, and poor Scotty…
(The clown kid?) Oh, but I can keep it under control this time, I’m sure. [addict mode] I’M SURE. HOW MUCH MORE YOU GOT?!>:D Kingpin Max: These are free. All you have to do is tell the other campers
where you got it. Dolph and I are trading sugary treats for cash money, favors, or valuable childhood possessions. Nikki: Got it! [zips] Dolph: You know, Max,
if everyone wants a candy so bad, Maybe we should just share it.
(just too pure) Kingpin Max: Dolphy boy! You’re missing the entire idea here! We have what everyone wants. We can use that to get everything WE want. It’s Capitalism! It’s life!
(This message sponsored by Conglom-O) Neil [off-screen]: Ahem. [swipe] What was this we heard about delicious edible treats? Kingpin Max: That depends on what you have to trade. Nurf: Uhh, question, sir. What pray tell is preventing someone from, say, beating you up and taking everything you have? Kingpin Max: You! Welcome to the team. Nurf: Glad to be on board.
(lesson, kids: threaten your way to the top) LISTEN UP, YOU JUNKIE FREAKS! We’re going to form a single-file line. Otherwise, you’re all getting jawbreakers,
FROM MY FISTS! Kingpin Max: And we are open for business. Dolph: And friendshiiiiip!
(way too pure) Kingpin Max: Yeah. Whatever. Man, I am making IRRESPONSIBLE amounts of money these days. Harrison: Here’s that bike you wanted, Max. Kingpin Max: Those wheels ain’t gonna shine themselves. Harrison: They sure won’t! Kingpin Max: What the fuck is this? Dolph: Ohh. Guten abend, Max. Kingpin Max: Dolph, what the hell are you doing in my tent? Dolph: In OUR tent, you mean? I arranged un little switcheroo with Neil in exchange for un Gobstopper. It will last him a vile. Ze tent IS a little cramped with our big box of candies, zhough. So he might have to squish together.
(even his come-ons are too pure) Kingpin Max (not wanting any of zat): Greeeaaaat. Dolph: So, do you have any camp crushes, hmm?
(pure nudge) Kingpin Max: Stop, Dolph. I’m tired. Dolph: You know, I was thinking. Now that we are friends, we need un inside joke,
something zat only we laugh at. Kingpin Max: I want to go to sleep. [mawkish laugh] Dolph: Good inside joke, Max. I vant to go to sleep, too. Except NEVER.
(This is vhat you get for using ze tiny German) Kingpin Max: Listen, Dolph. Here’s something about
friends you might not know. Friends don’t always talk. Sometimes they like to enjoy long, comfortable
silences. Hours, days, even years long. Dolph: Okey-dokey. [uncomfortably groaning] [snoring] – [SLAM]
– [GASP] David: Stop the presses! Gwen: Presses? David: Look! Gwen [deadpan]: Whoa, litter. Crazy. David: Not just any litter, Gwen. CANDY LITTER! And it’s not an isolated incident, either. I found THESE outside the mess hall. Gwen [deadpan]: Amazing. More garbage in my face. David: This is a sugary slope, Gwen. We got a candy crush this sweet epidemic
before it slips through our sticky fingers.
(hitting references for all ages) Gwen: Who cares. If the kids get a couple of cavities,
it’s not really our problem, is it? David: I’m not worried about cavities. I’m worried about ants, raccoons, bears and- Gwen [interrupts]: Diabetics. Yeah, I don’t think you really understand how that last on- David [interrupts back]: WE have to FIND the person responsible, stat! It could be anyone. Gwen: David, it’s Max. I mean, come on, it’s always Max. David: People at Camp Campbell are innocent until
proven guilty, Gwen. This isn’t the Cheesecake Factory.
(bearing grudge here) Now, we can’t tip this kingpin off to our investigation. So how about you act like you completely don’t care? [snoring like nobody’s business] Gwen: Mmm, butt.
(stuff of dreams) Good job, Gwen. Now, who could possibly be behind all of this? ♪ [horror shriek] ♪ Max: AHHHH! Dolph: Guten morgen. Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?
(purely not respecting personal space) Guy Incognito: Why hello, fellow sir, I would indubitably purchase all of your candy
for my business enterprise. Kingpin Max: Knock it off, Nikki! You’re cut off. Nikki: Oh, come on, Max. Maybe I can come work for you. [stammering] I could, you know, guard the stash. Keep out all the crazies!
(says the crazy) Kingpin Max: This isn’t a charity, Nikki. Nurf’s the muscle and Dolph’s already the fall guy. Dolph: Ze fall-what now? Kingpin Max: Fall guy. Means best friend. Dolph: I am the best fall guy!
(too naively pure) [recycled sulk from Season 3 premiere] Dolph: Hey, Max. To celebrate our friendship together,
I made you a little something. Here. (alternative poster for Step Brothers) Kingpin Max: Ohhhh, that garbage is NOT going in the tent.
(Like you could do better) Dolph: But I made it. Zat’s kind of mean for you to say. Kingpin Max: Yeah, and you’re welcome. Here’s an advanced friend lesson, Dolph: Really good friends say mean terrible shit to one another. It’s called, ragging on each other. Dolph: I see. Zat is stupid! How am I doing? Kingpin Max: Great, now get the hell out of here
and go count how much candy we have left. I’m sick of your stupid face. [pure humble laugh] Dolph: Good ragging, Max. Neil: Jeez, Max, how do you sleep at night? Kingpin Max: Under the gaze of a creepy German kid.
Thanks. You makes sure Space Kid paid up? I love the kid, but if he tries to hand me
moon rocks again, he’s dead to me. Neil: You don’t feel bad for Dolph? Pretending to be his friend just to get candy is really the least friendly thing you could do to him. Kingpin Max: It’s an exchange: His candy for my friendship. He’s getting a deal! Neil: Yeah, and what happens when the candy runs out? Kingpin Max: Never gonna happen! He’ll just get more. His uncle OWNS a chocolate factory. Dolph: Oh no. My uncle chocolate factory has burned down.
(strike one) Oh no! Bear tracks leading to my tent.
(strike two) OH NO! All the candy is gone!
(strike three) Vhat a quick series of disasters
that has completely ruined everything. If Max finds out the candy is all gone, our friendship will be ruined! Unless… Ja! I vill get the candy back! I will leave Max un note, so he does not vorry about the candy. I will make zis right! [growling] Oh, nein! [ROARS] Neil: I wonder if you can go to jail for this. Max: Shut up, it’s not my fault! Neil: Oh-ho, yes it is! He’s only doing this for you, and you know it! Max: You’ll help me, right? Neil: Help you? Someone needs to help Nikki. I think she’s starting to have withdrawals. [swipe] Relapsing Nikki [whispering]: it’snotlikeiwasaskingaroundmuch it’sj-justcandy, ’causecandy everybody’sgotta…littlebitofcandy’s Max: WHAT DO I DO?! Neil: Whatever you do, you better hope that kid’s not dead! [ohmaniamsofucked.wav] Dolph: And zat is vhy I need mein candy back. If I don’t bring it, Max will be very upset and he’s mein best friend. [hearty laugh] Beary Campbell: That is quite a yarn you’ve spun, Rolf. But this Mac fellow reminds me of myself
when I was a young man. See, I wrote the book on “Using People and Taking Advantage of So-Called Friends”. It’s not a top seller, but eeh, who cares? It’s my publisher who took the hit. Dolph: Are you saying that Max is using me? Beary Campbell: Uh, no duh.
It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Dorf! And you’re the food dog in that scenario! You need to grow teeth, and balls, and claws! Grrrrrrr! It wasn’t easy getting to where I am today. It took a lot of close friends in the right places, used and betrayed in all the right ways. Annnd now, all I need to do is lay low in
the savage unforgiving wilderness for an undisclosed period of time, heh. [inhales] I love it! [deeply inhales] I…love it so much. Dolph: I do enjoy your man cave. Beary Campbell: Take your candy back, Robert.
Too sweet for me, anyway. One word of advice from the master? You have what Max wants. Use it against him to get what you want. Bingo blamo! You could be like me one day.
(A guy hiding from the FBI in a bear cave? Oh joy.) [growl, roar]
(Bearspeak: “Where’s the fuckin’ rent?!”) Beary Campbell: Yep, now I gotta go take care of this. Oh, and one other word of advice: Get a haircut.
(Amen.) How many times do I have to display my dominance, Clancy?! [CAMPBELL TACKLE!] David [off-screen]: Well, well, well. Look what we have here. Dolph: Ah, yes. It looks like it is time for me to be
ze best fall guy. David: It’s a good thing Max confessed his candy crimes
and told me he ordered you out into the woods. You could have been in serious trouble, Dolph. Dolph: You took the fall for me? Max: What did I teach you about friends? Dolph: Ha. But ve’re not really friends, are ve, Max? You just vaunted mein candy so you could use it to get vhat you wanted
from everyvon else. Max: Oh! So you finally put that together, huh? Yeah, I was pretty shitty, but I took the fall!
So, you know… maybe we can start over? Dolph: I’m afraid it’s too little, too late, Max. I vant friends, but not friends like you.
(pure savage) I’ve seen how you treat people. I’ve seen how people like you end up in life. It’s not good. If I vere you, I would try to change a lot more before
you become a renegade fugitive from justice, hiding in the woods, dressing up like a bear, stealing candy from children. Max: What?=~=Dolph: I COULD ask one ving from you, Max. Nikki [frenzy]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [wile_e_coyote.mp3]
(rip candyhead) Dolph: And no matter vhat, we vill always have our inside joke. Max: What was it? Dolph: [pats] Who’s to say. David: Did..Nikki just throw herself off a cliff? Nikki [from bottom]: Hah, yeah! Ring Pops!
(praise the Lord…) Nikki [from bottom]: Hah, yeah! Ring Pops!
(praise the Lord of Candy) [Richie Branson – “Fake Friends Forever”]