David: 1,499… 1,500 lanyards. Great job, guys! You can never have too many lanyards. Max: I’m pretty sure we crossed that bridge 1,499 lanyards ago. David: Well, I can think of one very special Camp Campbell camper who’s getting into the lanyard spirit. Dolph: Ohh, this is coming along quite nicely. Yeah. “New Camper”: Yes. It IS coming together quite nicely, isn’t it? Gwen: You do realize, that’s just Cameron Campbell disguised as a kid, right? [fizzes, slurps] Quartemaster: Yup. [maniacal laugh] Nurf: That new kid really fucking loves lanyards. ♫ Ohhhh ♫ ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪ And have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe,
but guys and gals it’s true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪ ♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities ♪ ♪ And no, that’s not hyperbole ♪ ♪ Our motto’s “Campe Diem”, and that means I’m telling yoooooooou ♪ ♪ We’ve got archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ Horseback,
training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♪ ♪ Scuba diving, miming ♪ ♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting ♪ ♪ Pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪ ♪ Bomb defusal, no refusal ♪ ♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪ ♪ And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪ ♪ And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪ ♫ It’s Camp Camp ♫ David: I still can’t believe Mr. Campbell is back! They must have let him out of Super Guantanamo on good behavior. Gwen: And so he decided to pose as a camper at his own camp? David, that makes absolutely no sense. David: But why else would he be here? Gwen: Gee, I don’t know, maybe for reasons that only benefit him and totally screw us over. David: Mmm…that doesn’t sound like the Cameron Campbell I know at all. Gwen: Well, would the Cameron Campbell YOU know pretend to be a gargantuan child? David: He would if… [gasp] he secretly wants to see how well we’re running the camp without him. [fizzes] Quartermaster: Go on… David: This is all a test! Like that one show you watch where the bosses disguise themselves as workers to trick everybody. Gwen: You mean “Backdoor Boss”? David: That’s it! I’ll show Cameron Campbell the best darn day of camp he’s ever seen! Campbell: I’ve infiltrated the camp, and [mic] nobody suspects a thing. Agent Miller: Good. Now we just need you to get this David to confess on tape. Agent Miller: Or YOUR ass is going back to the minimum security wing of Super Guantanamo. Campbell: No, please! The time there is so…unstructured. And the guards don’t beat you, they just tell you how “disappointed” they are in you. [shivers] Agent Miller [mic]: Remember, he needs to admit to masterminding the Camp Campbell scam. Campbell: And he will, because that is EXACTLY what happened. We’ll bring that lowlife Davey to justice. And I’ll get my revenge on him for stabbing me in the back. David: Why, hello there! What are you up to? “New Camper”: Why nothing, Mr. Davey! David: So, [chuckle] “Samboy Kidwell” I was thinking we should take the rest of the day to do whatever camptivities you want! You may not be aware, but this camp’s got something for every camper out there. Come on! Samboy: Ooh, tell me more! And while we’re on the way, could you speak more loudly into my ascot? David: So, does anything catch your eye? Samboy: You know, what I would really love is an activity where we could… ACT like we’re different people and SAY things that aren’t real, but PRETEND like they are? Is there a stupid camp for whatever that is? Preston: Sounds like SOMEONE is interested in attending my improv seminar! Samboy: Yes! that’s exactly what I wanted. It’s perfect! Come on, Davey! Preston: Finally! Someone who appreciates the arts! Nerris: Hark! We’ve entered a magic realm controlled by… wizard…dogs. Harrison: No, I think instead of the wizard dogs we’re simply in an everyday situation with a ridiculous twist. Space Neko: Me…ow? Preston [bangs call bell]: STOP! You fools are breaking the fundamental rules of improv! Instead of saying, “No, but…”, try saying, “Yes, and…”. Dolph! Why don’t you give it a try with our newcomer? I think the prompt Samboy wrote will do nicely. One of you is confessing your greatest crimes. Dolph: Oh, this will be splendid. I have loads of ideas. Samboy: Nnnnno, I’m not touching that, heh. Could I have a different partner? Ah, how about, uhh… Yes! Davey. David: I don’t know, Samboy. I’m not sure I’d be any help. Preston: DAVID! “Yes, and…”. David: Oh, all right. Let’s do it! Samboy: It’s time for your confession, criminal! So, a camp for every type of camper. The shady but BRILLIANT operation sure sounds like an illegal scam to me. – David: Oh, he’s good.
– [claps] Yes! AND, I had a super fun time doing all the illegal things I did. Samboy: YES! And… Did those illegal things include: Fraud, money laundering, child endangerment the illegal sale of platypus eggs, and a bunch of other things it had nothing to do with the camp like, seventh-degree manslaughter that is still undergoing civil litigation? David: Yes, and one time I even…um… stole a whole bunch of puppies! Campbell: Dog trafficking to boot? I told you he was a monster. All right, you tragically misunderstood genius! One last question: Did you pin all of this on your mentor, the totally innocent Cameron Campbell? Space Dog [off-screen]: Bark, bark. Samboy: D’ohh, for the love of- Nerris: We’re here with this traffic puppy to save our friend! Your mind control spells won’t work on us, evil wizard. David: Ooh, plot twist! Samboy: Stop it! You’re ruining my– Preston [hits bell]: Tut tut, Samboy. “Yes, and…”! Samboy: No! We were getting to the most important part, you twitchy little thespian! [Samboy Smash] [coughs] End scene. David: Why don’t we break for lunch? Campbell: So, are you guys going to come extract me now or what? Heh. That was a pretty good confession if I do say so myself. Agent Miller [mic]: You’re gonna have to do better than that, Campbell. I couldn’t hear anything over that damn dog barking. Campbell: What am I supposed to do? Those idiot kids ruin the confession! Agent Miller: If this Davey is truly as bad that you say, then surely the campers must’ve heard something. Agent Miller: Yeah, see if you can pick up on some gossip. Campbell: [sigh] But how do I get them to gossip about something that isn’t true? [gasp] I know, I’ll start a rumor about Davey’s evil deeds. All I have to do is record some dumb camper repeating back the rumor that I started and I’m scot-free. But first… [click, bzzt] Agent Miller: Campbell? Damn, we lost the signal. Agent Miller: Do you want to see how fast we can load our guns? Agent Miller: This is why I married you. David: So, what would you like to do next for your perfect day of camp little camper? Samboy: You know, I feel like making new friends could help me feel more at home here. Friends that are cool, loud, and are potential sources for gossip and trendsetting! David: I know just the campers who fit that extremely specific description. You kids play nice now. Samboy: Ahoy-hoy, Bully, The Cool One, and…Girl Neil. How’s lunch? Girl Neil: Hey… you’re that huge new kid! Samboy: No, I’m not! I’m completely normal-sized like the rest of you. Bully: It’s okay, Samboy Kidwell. I, too, am cursed with being overly large for my age. Samboy: Do you kids know what I heard about your precious counselor, Mr. David? Rumor has it that he- Bully [interrupts]: I’m gonna stop you right there. As a bully, I take great pride in tormenting others for their short comings. But I, for one, will not add to the fake news, plaguing our social circles. Samboy: ‘hell kind of bully are you?
(a progressive one, boy) What do you think, want to hear the word on the street? The Cool One: Uhh, not from someone who uses the phrase “word on the street”. Girl Neil: Guys! This kid’s built like a bear! It’s like a playground up in here! Samboy: Okay, heh. Let’s focus! Once you hear this sick gosp, you’ll be dying to join- Bully [interrupts]: Sorry, my spaghetti and mystery meatballs are not sitting well. Thank you and good day. The Cool One: Besides, no rumor is gonna make David even more uncool. Samboy: No, wait! you guys are missing out on some juicy deets! [grunt] Girl Neil: Can you show ME how to grow a mustache? [groan] [SLAM] Campbell: Think, Campbell, think! It’s only a matter of TIME before the suits get suspicious. [assembly noise] Agent Miller: Done! Agent Miller: You are so good at this! Campbell: There’s got to be SOMEONE here I can still break through to. Troublemakers, eh? Yeah! They hate this camp more than anybody. David: Hey, Samboy! Have you decided on your afternoon camptivity? Samboy: Yes! I’d like to hang out with those two. David: OR we could do something else! I’m not sure they’re, what I call, day-one friends. Samboy: Gee, maybe you’re right. I’d have a much better time doing my FAVORITE thing in the world! Which is… mannequin… [swipe] selfie… [swipe] carving. David: Oh-kay? I’ll see what I can do? Samboy: Great! You do that. Max: Oh, look, Neil. It’s that new kid! Samboy Kidwell. Neil: Well, hello, Samboy, I’m– Samboy [interrupts]: Quiet, you! I know a lap dog when I see one. Neil: What?! That’s preposterous! Me and Max are totally a team. Max [sarcasm]: You’re right, Neil. You are way too smart to be a lap dog. Speaking of smarts why don’t you run along and find those fuses? I don’t think I’d even know what to look for! Lap Dog: You’ve got it, Max! (Whoever did that you are on my watchlist) Hmm. Samboy: Oh ho, I’m impressed. Always nice to see another skilled manipulator in their element. You’re still a little rough around the edges, but hey, you’re just a kid. Max: That’s quite a compliment, coming from the infamous Cameron Campbell. Campbell: You’ve seen through my disguise, then. Okay, let’s put all the cards on the table. I need to untangle myself from this fraudulent camp. If I can prove the whole scam is David’s fault! I’ll gain my freedom. Max: And you want me to help you. Why should I do that? Campbell: ‘Cause you’re nothing like the rest of them. We want the same things, kid: To live by our own rules! Max [sarcasm]: Wow, you’ve got me all figured out! Campbell: So, what are you say? Max: Oh, I’d love to. And I know just the thing that’ll help you. [snap] Counselor’s cabin, lead the way. [chuckles] [click] Agent Miller: So you see, it’s all in the wrist movement. Max [mic]: Gosh, Mr. Cambpell! While we’re trying to frame David for your crimes you should also blame him for those shitty deals with Russia, Thailand, North Korea, and Kentucky.
(Child Communist Comrade’s Revenge) Campbell: How did you know about Kentucky? I mean, good thinking, Max! Max: Yeah, and you could probably get him in trouble for covering up the fact that some kid died on the campgrounds all those years ago.
(Jasper’s Revenge) But…huh. That happened when…you were in charge here, didn’t it? Agent Miller [mic]: What did he just say? Campbell: Yeah, what did you–[gasp] OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO!? Max [sarcasm]: Oh, I turned on your microphone, because I thought we were already starting. Did your friends on the other end not know about all the other stuff? Gee, I’m sorry. Mr. Campbell.
(OMG MAX SAYS SORRY AGAIN?!) Guess I’m not so rough around the edges after all. Campbell: Why you little…! We’re supposed to frame David! David: Is that really true, Mr. Campbell? You only came back to get me…in trouble? Campbell: Because this stupid “camp for everybody” idea was YOURS in the first place! All of it is your fault! David: I tried to create the perfect day of camp for you and everything but your only goal was to hurt me. Because of something I said when I was just a kid. Campbell: Just a KID!? KIDS are diabolical monstrosities that drive you to the brink of insanity! After everything I’ve done for you, YOU chose a bunch of KIDS over ME! David: But that’s…that’s the job. You really don’t get that, do you? Max: David, seriously? You actually feel SORRY for this piece of shit? This doesn’t piss you off? David: I’m not p’d off, Max. I’m just… Campbell: [GASP] DON’T SAY IT. David: …disappointed.
(critical hit!) [whine of defeat] [rip of defeat] [yell of defeat] Nurf: Wow, that is the fastest I’ve ever seen this place break a new kid. [vroom] [disappointed sigh] David: Come on, everyone. We can’t let this perfectly good mannequin go to waste. First to the activities field gets two hi-fives! [collective groans] David: Max! Thank you. I could have been taking Mr. Campbell’s place in Super Guantanamo. Max: Oh, shucks, it was nothing, David. There’s no need to thank me, or give me–I don’t know–an extra helping of dessert tonight or anything. David: You know what? That’s a great idea. We can just give you Samboy’s. You know, Max camp’s not for everybody, not even the great Cameron Campbell, apparently. But, despite everything we’ve been through this summer you’re still here.
(d’awwwww) I’m glad that you’re cut out for this place, even if he’s not. Max: “Cut out”? I run this fucking camp. [Richie Branson – “I’m A Camp Campbell Kid”]