-You guys, we have Paul
McCartney on the show tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my favorite. I just love him so much. Did you guys hear this? In a recent interview,
he said that he once saw God while he was doing
psychedelic drugs. [ Laughter ] Paul was like,
“Oh, man, that’s God.” [ Laughter ] While God was like, “Holy crap,
that’s Paul McCartney! My God! You’re the biggest —
I love you so much.” [ Applause ] We’re excited here at NBC, not
just because of Paul McCartney. But because the NFL season
kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons
and the Philadelphia Eagles. It is —
[ Cheers and applause ] And it’s perfect timing
for the Eagles’ fans ’cause they just sobered up
from the Super Bowl. -So that is — That’s very nice. It’s fun having football on NBC. You can tell
the game was on NBC, because when a player
committed a penalty, they didn’t throw a flag,
they just heard this. [ “Law & Order” chime ] [ Laughter ] Of course, fantasy football
also began tonight. It’s a fun way for people
who are bad at real sports to realize that they’re also bad
at imaginary sports. It’s just that odd combination. [ Applause ] Oh, I saw that later
this season too, the NFL will hold a game
in Mexico. It’s all part of the league’s
plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible. It’s really, really clever.
[ Cheers and applause ] Rosie O’Donnell
is doing the halftime show. -Oh, my God.
-It’s going to be unbelievable. [ Laughter ] Jeff Sessions is a referee. -Oh, my gosh.
-It’s just really great. Speaking of the President,
after one of his staffers wrote an anonymous op-ed
criticizing him, Trump is trying to find out
who it was. Today he said,
“It’s kind of fun. It’s like I’m playing a real
life version of ‘Blue’s Clues.’ We are looking for anonymous.
We are looking for anonymous. We are looking for anonymous.
Tell me who he is or she.” [ Laughter and applause ] “Blue, where are you, Blue?” A lot of people
are trying to figure out who wrote the article. Let’s pick some phrases
from the piece and see if they sound like
anyone in the White House. We’ll figure it out right now. We have a computer
that can track these things. Yeah. For instance, the author uses the phrase
“our shared values.” Computer Accuspeech 3000, has anyone at the White House
ever said that? -Our shared values.
Our shared values. Shared values.
Our shared values. -Okay.
[ Laughter ] Sounds like Mike Pence
has said that before. But still it could be anyone.
Okay? Another phrase they used was
“safer and more prosperous.” Let’s see if anyone said that. -Safer and more prosperous. Safer and more prosperous. And safer and more prosperous. -Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay. Those are pretty common sayings. It doesn’t mean that he —
it was definitely Mike pence. There was one article —
one word in the article that really stood out
that I had never heard before. It was the word “lodestar.” You ever heard that one? You ever —
-Lodestar? -Yeah, lodestar. -Not lone star. Lodestar. -Lodestar.
No one’s ever used that. Can we check it out?
Has anyone used it? -It really was the lodestar. It will be our lodestar. As our lodestar. Lodestar. -Okay. It was Mike Pence.
All right, that’s fine. Let’s just move on.
[ Cheers and applause ] Wow. Lodestar. -Lodestar. -Today at Brett Kavanaugh’s
Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Democrats released some of his
confidential e-mails from 2003. Republicans were furious that
his e-mails were being read. Then Hillary was like,
“Sucks, doesn’t it?” [ Laughter and applause ] I heard that Ford is recalling
2 million F-150 trucks because of fire concerns. Then owners were like, “Driving
my F-150 while it’s on fire? What’s more badass than that? Let’s do it. Come on!
Mud bogging! Let’s do it!” [ Applause ] Hey, guys, I saw that Starbucks recently opened its first store
in Italy. And this is weird. Over there the sizes are
small, medium, and large. [ Laughter ] -Really? That doesn’t make any sense. ‘Cause here
they’re Italian words. -I think it makes perfect sense. Finally, as I mentioned,
the NFL is back, everybody. Tonight, the Super Bowl champion
Philadelphia Eagles took on the Atlanta Falcons in Philly
right here on NBC. We wanted to help you get to know the players
a little better. So with that mind, it’s time
for “Tonight Show Stats.” ♪ -Tonight Show stats ♪ ♪ Tonight Show stats ♪ -First up is Mack Hollins
from the Eagles. His position is wide receiver. His age is 24. His hair cut age is nine. [ Laughter ] Childhood dream is to fully grow
into a Chia pet. That’s right. Some stats. [ Applause ] Next, we have Matt Bryant
from the Falcons. Number of years in the league —
17. Number of daughters’ boyfriends
scared away — 17. [ Laughter ] Pregame meal — two Schlitz Tall Boys
and a pack of Marlboro Reds. Celebrity look-alike is Howie
Mandel on a three-night bender. [ Applause ] And finally, we have Matt Pryor
from the Eagles. Height — 6’7″. Weight — 332 pounds. Looks like —
Abraham Lincoln after sex. There you go. Those are your
“Tonight Show Stats.” We have a great show.
Give it up for the Roots!