Hitler reacts to Chelsea’s start to the season

Hitler reacts to Chelsea’s start to the season


After recent results, we have expanded our search for a good defender to more areas in mainland Europe. There’s also reports of a promising central midfielder playing in a club in this area close to Berlin. As required, we are looking specifically for left-footed, speedy defenders and also good holding midfielders. We feel that if we’re able to get these players, then… … we will be able to recreate the magic of the Champions League final we won here in 2012. Fair enough, but everybody knows that that’s just to feed the loan army, so quit stalling and tell me about the latest result. My Lord… Chelsea… Chelsea lost to Everton by 3 goals to 1… …with Naismith scoring a hat-trick. Chelsea’s now lying close to the bottom of the the league table. Those of you who’ve been been crying yourselves hoarse on various fan forums about… …our desperate need for a new midfielder and defender, …can leave the room quietly. This is a fucking disgrace! An unbelievably embarrassing and ridiculous disgrace! After all the progress of last season, how the hell are we losing to teams like Everton and Crystal Palace… … and drawing against goddamn Swansea?! It’s weird enough to have that Asmir Begovic lookalike on my staff who keeps staring at the girls and making them cry. But at least he’s doing his job properly out there on the field! Every damn game this season it’s been the same old shit. Every goddamn team we play these days just jogs right through the centre of the pitch and… …then crosses the ball in from our right flank for someone to… …knock it into the fucking goal. But Ivanovic and Fabregas were top players for us in the 2014-15 season and… Their fucking form has dipped faster than ALL the submarines in my fleet! My Lord, we also have youngsters like Kennedy and Loftus-Cheek waiting in the wings. Yes and at this rate they will grow old and retire while sitting on the bench… …while our defence and midfield continues to rot! Our title hopes are screwed! Even the forwards are muffing up the few easy chances we manage to create… Remy won’t get a chance, Falcao’s crocked and Costa might as well walk around with boxing gloves. Oscar’s injured and … …Hazard’s lost all the pace and trickery from last season! Willian keeps running around like a headless chicken and… …doing everything except for creating chances and scoring goals. Ramires still can’t pass the ball and… …where the hell has the real Fabregas disappeared?! As for Ivanovic… I keep begging him to just cross the damn ball properly. But what do you tell a player who thinks it’s better to try and knock-out the defender by hitting the ball at him! This must be what it feels like to be an Arsenal supporter. You start every season, every season as a self-proclaimed sureshot title contender… …and then watch as it explodes like a rocket! Blood transfer season! Every player we’ve sold has gone on to play better elsewhere… …and the ones we buy lose it the moment they come through the door. Cuadrado, Salah and De Bruyne who couldn’t hold a candle here are now setting the football world on fire. Meanwhile all our defensive issues are being exploited by others… … as the defensive lapses and goof-ups are apparent even to a child! And City are winning everything while we’re stuck on a sinking boat! It’s okay Anna, City will collapse in the Champions League like usual. If this is how we’re going to play, then we might as well give up right now. The thing is… … Jose’s still the best man for the job, so we’ve gotta support him. But I don’t know how long I can take it. Goddamnit really hurts. If the results don’t get better soon, then we’ll not be able to look other fans in the eye all fucking season. We’ll end up singing about our ‘glorious’ past like those ManU fans and the fools in the Kop. Don’t let it get that bad.

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