King James! King James! Here to help our house go right! You’re going to love it here. Greatest city in the world. You’re the next chapter in its long history of greatness. So wonderful to welcome LeBron to the Lakers family. We’re definitely going to the tournament this year. We’d better. Go back to Cleveland! We don’t want you here! Seize him! Long live the Black Mamba! The real GOAT! Kobeeeeeeee!!! Knights of House Lakers tonight we commence what is sure to be a glorious season the beginning of the end of the long drought. Here here! For the King of the East now dons the Purple and Gold. And together we will restore the glory of the Greatest House in the Western Realm. Now please, eat! Especially you, Ingram. No, Brandon, you’ve gotta pass to LeBron first now. Oh, sorry. You mustn’t burn your tongue, Your Grace So, I hear you’re to be involved in the production of Sea Jam 2. Is that correct? Uh, yes, that’s right. Oh, delightful! Well, I was thinking, if you’re looking to, say reprise Shawn Bradley’s character I’m a very accomplished Shaqtor…uh…actor. You’ll never be clutch like Kobe! Who are these clowns? Kobedicians. Kobedicians. An annoying sect of extremist Kobe fanlings. This was done by Lakers fanlings? They’re not Laker fans. They’re Kobe fans. They don’t accept LeBron. They think he’s a soft bitch who can’t play defense. Watch your tongue, Brandon! What? Well, that’s what they say. LeBron’s a soft bitch. And he doesn’t play defense. See? Kobe. Alright, let me talk to them. Don’t bother, LeBron. You can’t reason with them. Just… ignore them. If I could win back the fanlings
of Cleveland I can certainly win the hearts
of a few crazy Kobe fanlings. You can’t make your free throws. Good people of Los Angeles. Oh shit, it’s LeBron. Booo! You suck! You’re a stat padder! Shh shh, give him a chance,
give him a chance. Like you I have much respect for Kobe. But I— Cuz he’s the GOAT You’ll never be Kobe, bruv. I’m not trying to be Well, you should. Yeah, he’s better than you. Yeah! OK. Well, is there anything I could
possibly do to win you over? I don’t think there’s nothing. What if he gave us a billion gold? No. What if he got “Kobe” tattooed
on his head? Definitely not. No. Maybe 100 championships? Six? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five? Eight? Go with that. Go with that. Yes. OK? You gotta win, uh six championships. Yeah, yeah, six. Six, yeah! Yeah, yeah—no, seven! Seven! Six! What? You realize Kobe only won five. Yeah, but he’s a closer, bitch! He finishes! I finish! According to the analytics maesters I’m actually more clutch than Kobe. Nah, Kobe’s a killer. Like a mambaaa! Hiss!! Well, I built a school! Wow! Oh, you built a school! Yeah, that’s ’cause you’re soft! Yeah! You have nothing to prove to these fools. They’re just a few nuts living in their parents’ barns. They’ll come around. Believe me. Real Kobe fans will NEVER accept LeBron. Yeah! He doesn’t have the Mamba Mentality. Yeah! Kobe never missed a game-winner! Yeah! I have dedicated my life to the worship of Kobe. And I would rather die than worship the false goat LeBron! Yeah! Dominate! Dominate! Dominate! Any update on the Jimmy…situation? Handled, my liege He is in good spirits and should
be returning to practice today Oh…so he no longer wants to be traded? Um…well…uh…we’re working…ya know… Who wants to DIE today??? Ah, that must be him now KAT, do something! Don’t worry. He can’t do shit against me. I hope that means you worked on your defense I’ll take those two G Realm peasants, the muffin maker’s boy and that there mangy goat. When they mop whatever’s left of you lily-livered cowards off the court, they’ll wish they traded me sooner! He doesn’t seem very happy Oh, that’s just Jimmy Gotta love the intensity he brings…even to practice Hallelujah, Wiggins! Should I send your bones to your brother??? No! Please, no! You f–king need me! Ah!!! Thibby, I just don’t have the stomach for this This is the best practice all year Jimmy! Here! The Muffin Boy! I’m open! He’s motivating them We yield! We yield! Stop! Stop it, please! Aw, seems I’ve found the Towns Crier Hahaha!!! He’s slaughtering my little Timberpups Oh, this was supposed to be our year! Hey you, get me a f–king salad! Balsamic dressing Actually, no dressing. I’ll use this. -Oh, dear god
-You just got served muffins and milk! As we said at House Bulls, if you’re not mortally wounded, you can still play 48 minutes. Oh my goodness, is that Andrew’s heart? Nay. That’s too big. Pardon me, uh, have you seen my heart? Not now, Andrew! Thomas, it might be time to admit this situation is untenable What? It’s tenable. It’s very tenable. It’s one of the most tenable situations I have ever… tended over Curse these forsaken Twin Cities! TRADE ME! Remember, last season we were
a 3 seed before he got hurt Curse this wretched house! TRADE ME! I swear this will all work out just fine if we’re just patient— And f–k you, Lord Thibodeau! Your rotations are shit! Well, I do suppose I like Robert Covington’s hustle Oh, how exciting is this, Lord Commander? Jimmy can take us over the top! He could change everything with his intensity! Oh, here he comes now! Is that a mini-carriage? He sure does have a lot of baggage Um…I’d like to be traded, please Hello, city of Brotherly Love!!! Shall we complete this process now? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m King James. Blessed by the gods to choose my army, my Lord Commander and my home But alas, I am not I am Ser MarShon Brooks A journeyman sellsword, who, not long ago, was fighting in the distant lands of Chai’Nos, spending years reassembling what remained of my shattered spirit only to land a seat on the dreary benches of Memphis. But fate is a curious thing For yesterday, House Suns requested MY services and offered REAL assets in return Ser Trevor Ariza AND picks! Seems I shall finally prove to everyone that I AM a knight worthy of minutes. And what I once feared was my twilight was in fact, my dawn. Welcome to House Suns Thank you Ser MarShon Brooks at your service Wait. MarShon Brooks? Yes…at your— OK, we traded for Dillon Brooks You wha—oh, um… Dammit, they sent the wrong Br– House Grizzlies sent the wrong Brooks Are you bloody serious? Oh, how the fickle tides of fate recede as quickly as they crash upon my shores. And though my sand castles may wither and wash the deft hands of hope must always be there to rebuild them. I return to Memphis with fresh perspective, renewed spirit Dearest Jennifer, I have received your raven, and I beseech you understand. I am trying I tryeth every day to bring you the ring you so desire… Watch it. Hey, hey. Look who we blocked coming down the lane Well, look who it is! The Boogie Knight himself They say our bigs can’t defend Please! I’ve got a torn Achilles Oh, OK Last I saw this lot, you all were getting swept away faster than a harassment case at House Mavericks. Oh please, Boogie regale us with the tales of your extensive tournament experience. Better none than yours Don’t let him get in your head Aw… Good on you all for giving Jimmer another shot What? No. I’m Nik— Wait I’m not going to fall for your hurtful tricks anymore! You see, it seems the tables have turned! Unlike you, I have two good Achilles AND friends We got your back, Nik! How do you like my sauce now? Bitch What a fellowship you all have Almost makes up for the lack of rings The Lord of Light… Hearted Locker Room Chemistry smiles upon our Brotherhood. Who smiles upon you, Boogie? You’ve got no rings and no friends And which of those can you offer me? Friends I’d prefer rings Well then join us! And together we shall make it past the second round. Whoa, whoa I don’t want this guy here He’s like, uh, mess with our flow you know what I mean? We have like, uh, good vibes and also like, um, we have same agent and he says it might affect my minutes. Doesn’t matter It’s water under the Bay Bridge I’m signing with House Warriors What? No, you can’t— They’re like an All-Star House That’s not fair! That’ll ruin the Realm! He’s full of it Everybody knows House Warriors is over the gold cap They can’t afford you! No, it’s probably mid-level exception -Yeah, it’s a mid-level exception
-Yeah, you’ve got the mid-level taxpayers Oh right, right. The mid-level exception… I of course know what that is and fully understand it. My mind is a buzzin’ For I heard a hot take. Seems big Boogie Cousins Turned into a SNAKE! He rides to the Oak Lands Where there’s rings all around. Give his headband a rebrand As a ring-chaser’s crown. Oh yes! I love Four Bar Fridays! Boogie Dame The only thing more hopeless than this brotherhood is your bard career. -Hey now
-Watch your tongue, Boogie! You know, I expect you to be a bastard but a coward too? I’d rather die than share the court with Curry! Um… No, sorry—I mean the good— I mean Steph And the rest of those serpents. Dame, we’ve got no chance! We had no chance But we do now The Lord of Light-Hearted Chemistry is very powerful To the humble, He giveth… But to the greedy, He taketh away. The Warriors’ defeat can only come from within No House can bear the likes of Draymond, KD AND Cousins. Their golden cup runneth over with assholes Let him go Hope you enjoy the regular season you f–kin’ losers! I hope you get the f–king eighth seed so I can see your faces when we sweep you again! I’ll crush you like I crush my Lord Commanders! Does he know the way out of here? He’ll get himself ejected eventually My mind is a buzzin’ For I heard a hot take. Seems big Boogie Cousins Turned into a SNAKE! He rides to the Oak Lands Where there’s rings all around. Give his headband a rebrand As a ring-chaser’s crown A raven has brought us some news that is good. House Blazers acquired the knight Rodney Hood My Rip City brethren, rejoice and give cheer Except for Nik Stauskas, you’re now a Cavalier. Wait, what? Bye, Nik! Good luck in Cleveland, Nik! See, look here, DeMar Draymond’s on LeBron again… Yeah, it’s like a triple switch or something Exactly… What are you reading? We’re studying. House Warriors’ defensive tactics against King James It wasn’t their tactics. It was their talent. We have the talent. We just need smart strategy and for the gods to finally smile on us. Maybe they have DeMar! This is our chance! King James is gone from our path, but he is also gone from our excuses. If we fail to conquer the East this year… it could be the end for all of us. My lord, you have always believed in us We will reward your faith. I swear it I’m afraid faith is not enough Here we pay a Northern price for a blessing The gods demand a sacrifice Lord Ujiri, I pledge that I will do whatever it takes Yes. We’d give anything for The Six I know Forgive me Kyle! Wake up! Kyle! Kyle! Norman? What are you doing— It’s a trade. We’re making a trade. A trade? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Well…you know… you did trade for a horse once… and I think Lord Ujiri doesn’t include you Ugh! He’s so annoying! Excuse me. Excuse me! Get out of my way No…no…no… Kyle! Don’t let them do it I won’t This must be some sort of mistake— He was here for a long time, not a good time What? Where’s Lord Ujiri? It will all be over soon No! I demand to see Lord Ujiri! Where is Lord Ujiri??? My Lord…you can’t! You said you wouldn’t! Gods’ plan Drake, have you all gone mad? If we don’t make a trade, there will be no banners here. Oh, is that what they said at House Thunder when they traded away James Harden? Ah, man. That’s not the same! Silver Lord, bless this trade, for it is fair and for the good of the Realm! How could you do this to your most loyal knight? Not just him Also Jake—Jakob…Pole-tull… Po-ull-tull… Poyttle… Pelt-el… Him! Hello! All right, summon the Trade Raptor! Ah! Ah! Ahhh!! No! Noooo!!!! Bye, Jacob Poortle! It’s Jakob Poeltl Please. I’ll do whatever you ask. I’ll shoot more threes! Lord Ujiri! How could you do this? He’s my best friend! It’s OK. I’ll be your new best friend. Shush, Norman! Kyle…please Is there any other way? We tried. They didn’t want you. Please! Please! I’ll try on defense! I’ll shoot it from anywhere I’ll shoot it from behind half court No! No! No! No! Please! Please! Hi, DeMar! Oh, hi, Jakob Wait…WAIT. WAIT! I almost forgot We also owe them a first-round pick Ow. Oh, come on OK. We’re good. We should be good Trade Raptor, take these knights to their new house Wait. DeMar AND a pick? And Jake Puddle Argh, get off me! No! Please, come back! No! My friend… Well, whoever we’re getting back… he’d better be a bloody monster! So the key here again is spacing. I need you in the corner, and if your man so much as looks my way, then I’m going to get it to you. Then I go up for three. Yes. But ’tis merely a pump fake! No I pull the ball down! I step over the line. No I back down the big for a contested fadeaway two from the elbow. No. That’s exactly what you shouldn’t do Chris, you know I can hit that shot over anybody All day It’s not about hitting shots It’s about hitting EFFICIENT shots Ugh, not you too with this efficiency fad Whatever happened to the days when knights would go one-on-one, mano-y-mano in the paint, in a slow, grinding duel? Melo… if you want a role here on House Rockets you must understand the system. Study the analytics I study plenty! Carmelo, please I remember when you used to be fun! Whatever happened to Banana Boat Chris? He learned how to win And he wants to teach his friend, so they can win together. I want to win…it’s just… it’s all so boring these days Analytics, efficiency, defense… Hm, you know what? Come with me. I want to show you something Whoa Ah, Carmelo! Welcome to the Johnson Spacing Center Here, our Maesters test the frontiers of knowledge to give House Rockets a competitive edge What’s that? Why, that’s our namesake. The rocket. We value long-range weaponry here House Rockets has never shied away from experimentation Some produce incredible results And others…. not so much. What is this for? Ah, that was Yao Ming’s chamber pot Melo, have a look at this What is that? Those are moons orbiting another world Makes you think… you might not be the center of the universe after all Huh, so you’re saying I’m just another planet? No. He’s saying you are a moon James Harden is the planet Well, actually, Chris, I am a star. And stars should be STARters Melo …just needs a headband And I’m gonna put a hoodie here Melo, you’re not getting it— You know, I bet the only reason I’m not starting is because D’Antoni’s still bitter about New York. No, no, no… he’s just working off the Model The Model? It’s not possible I can’t just shoot 30 threes a game Look right here, James. If the Model is correct, you could TRIPLE your offense and pull us out of this slump But what if I miss them? I could go 0-for-27 myself! Ah, but James… what if you make them? Aagh! What the— Carmelo? What are you doing here? Carmelo is interested in the Model Really? Analytics? Melo? OK… This is the Model We feed her data, and she gives us answers untainted by human bias. Huh, why does she have six arms? …And four boobs? Well, she was designed by a bunch of nerds who, let’s just say…haven’t had too much experience with the anatomy of a female Carmelo, you have to understand this machine it…doesn’t care about your feelings The Model only knows pure analytics If this thing truly knows basketball, then I should have nothing to fear. Show me how it works These are your career stats. Let’s feed them in. Hope she likes empty calories OK. Model… should Ser Carmelo be in the Hall of Fame? Ah, look at that. First ballot Brilliant. Now, I want to know what my role here should be May I? Oh, uh, sure! Take it away Model… what should be my role on House Rockets? He should’ve dunked that. He had the lane. This Model is nothing but a hater! How does this bloody thing even work? Don’t, Carmelo That’s where the computers are Computers? What’s a computer? Melo, don’t—oh The computers do all the calculations needed to run the Model. Oh, do they? Well, do any of you even watch basketball?! You don’t have a good VORP W-why—what’s with their eyes?! These poor souls witnessed the dark ages of basketball in the early aughts. The endless post plays. The long twos. Ser Jordan on the Wizards After a second Finals appearance by House Nets, they couldn’t bear it any longer. They gouged out their eyes But on a positive note, it turns out they’re perfect for doing double-blinded analytics Many became computers The rest became referees I don’t like your true shooting… All right. Well, we really should get going, though. You’re beginning to taint their judgment Oh, you feel taller in person Get off me! Ser Carmelo, can you sign my abacus? -No! I need to get out of here
-Nice boots! I like your boots This is madness! Well if you’d settle your emotional response, you’d see it’s all quite logical, really. No…no…this is all wrong Your cold, heartless numbers know nothing of my value Anyone with eyes can see the beauty of my game A 10-time All-Star behind PJ Tucker, really? Marquese Chriss, actually— Well I refuse to accept it, and I’ll never accept it! Why did you even bring me here?! Because you’re worth the risk… at the veteran minimum Carmelo, Lord Morey has given you a chance, and it may be the only one you have left Well, that’s ridiculous. I just need the ball. I can still take any knight one-on-one! Just give me the rock and I’ll— Oh, what. C’mon, he f–ked me in New York Hm…interesting Oh, Seven Hells…Austin Rivers? I can’t wait to share the court with you and the legendary Ser Dirk. Would you like to see him? Is he…uh… you know…is he like, uh… His, uh, spirit is strong, but I am afraid there is not much time left. OK He’s down to 10 minutes a battle Oh my But come, you will make him very happy Ser Dirk, remember: You can fight for this house for as long as you like Danke, but I don’t have much left… maybe only…six seasons or something Six?! That’s fine…that’s totally fine Is, uh, now a good time? Ser Kristaps is here to see— Oh yes, yes! Dirk, someone special wants to see you Hello, my Euro father You shaved your beard, Tyson -Oh, that’s not Tyson, Dirk. It’s Kristaps!
-It is not him Oh! Kristaps? You’re…you’re on House Mavericks? I am, yeah Lord Mark, this is…truly a wonderful gift Oh, it’s nothing Almost makes up for… the time I took a giant pay cut… OK to stay with House Mavs… OK, we don’t need to rehash the whole— and you used the gold on… Chandler Parsons. Alright, OK Not good OK, well, I will let you boys alone to talk about whatever European things you guys wanna talk about like wine and bread and cheese. I get it. All right. Later, dudes! Mark is actually… He’s a very cool guy Your grace, I want to learn everything you have to teach me Let me bask in the light of your wisdom I will tell you what is the most important Yes. Please. Loyalty For 56 years, I have worn only House Mavericks colors, even as those colors went through a questionable rebrand. And though I showed my opponents no mercy, I made no enemies because I betrayed no house Tell me, why did you abandon your house? Your fanlings? Well…I was on House Knicks, and— Oh, oh—say no more OK, yikes, yikes. Never mind. Kristaps, do you then swear your loyalty to House Mavericks? Yes, I do Well then, in the name of Dirk Nowitzki of House Mavericks, I hereby declare you the next Dirk OK, wait. Hold on With all due respect, you said I was the next Dirk, like like a moon ago Oh…that’s right. OK, yeah. Kristaps, you will be the next Dirk, UNTIL Luka comes of age. Right…but I’m already the go-to knight, right? I’m scoring roughly 20 points a battle What if, uh, maybe both of you are the next Dirk? We’ll do double Dirks Yeah, you can be double Dirks Want to be triple Dirks? Could we do triple Dirks? Triple Dirks? Who is the other— I think I also told Maxi Kleber that he’s the next me Ser, our next battle starts in eight hours We need to start your stretches Oh, dank—thank you, J.J. I’ll be right there All right, boys Time to play some basketball! What the hell, Kuz? Oh, c’mon, probably would have been more off target if I left you alone. That arrow cost 200 gold Who pays 200 gold for— Ah, right Wait, weren’t you cutting ties with them? Yeah, but I got to get that arrow back It’s going to be a collector’s item Oh, you must come to my barbershop But I have a barber. He’s an eyebrow specialist Hey Lonzo, I’m not sure it’s safe to climb in ZO2 boots! If Lord Walton sees you, he’ll give Rondo ALL your minutes. Shhh! Shut up! I want nothing more than to be by your side Oh, think of the fast breaks I yearn to toss your lobs Think of the spacing! Would you let me play power forward? Yes, anything. Even though I’m clearly a center? Oh, whatever you want. Because together, we will bring back Showtime. Ugh, too bad Lord Demps would never trade me here He just hates House Lakers He’s always been jealous of big markets Let Rich handle Dell But you’d have to give up your entire young core for my rights. I would trade every single one of them for just a chance to play with you. Between you and me, they’re a bunch of fools and overhyped squires. Even the Ball boy? Pfft. Lonzo? Good riddance to him AND his oaf of a father And once he’s gone, we’ll bring in a real Lord Commander like Jason Kidd -Wait! Stop! Stop!
-or Mark Jack—son of a— Are you completely mad? He saw us. He saw us tampering. It’s all right. It’s all right. I know. What should we do with you? D-d-don’t trade me I’m really good except for shooting free throws and three-pointers and layups, but, uh…I was the No. 2 pick! He was the No. 2 pick The things I do for rings Ow, ow! -Ow, my ankle!
-My small Kevin Durant-like frame! Oh, my bones have shattered like sugar straws! Oh, come on, guys, shake it off! You’re fine! Just a little, uh…playoff push from the greatest knight in the Realm. Is someone going to help us up? Well, I suppose there’s always next year Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Welcome to the Sept of Baylor, a shrine to bad front-office decisions, the kind that have led all of you here to the draft lottery! Today, we gather in the presence of the lottery gods to witness the bestowing of the first pick. I am Mark Tatum, Hand of the High Commissioner Where’s the Silver Lord? What, he too good for us? Yes, actually. And besides, this is… Yes, actually. And besides, this is… this is sort of my thing. Yeah, you know what? Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Mark Tatum That’s right! Let’s give a little love to the guy behind the guy OK all right. Thanks. As per tradition, each house has chosen one delegate to represent them I do question some of your delegate choices, but then again, questionable decisions are why many of you find yourselves here. Um…House Pelicans… Come on, you know who the fanlings want to see That’s better Um…excuse me, House Mavs? What is this? We’re, uh, Triple Dirks OK, well, you gotta pick one representative, so figure out who is the next Dirk in the next 10 seconds, please. All right, well, I mean, I’m the most experienced… Well, I’m clearly the face of House Mavericks And I’m from Dirk’s hometown so yeah…I mean it’s hard We all have really good cases All right, you know what? I’ll let you guys sort this out next season House Lakers? -Get out there
-All right. Get off me Hi Hey OK, so, we’re all good? Everyone knows how this works? Uh…not really Right. Well, each house will have a chance to make their final plea to the lottery gods as to why they should get the first pick. So, who would like to be the first to make a claim? Great, the goat…made poop on the floor Excuse me? No, not you Sarver, why is there a goat here? Because it’s a metaphor and it’s FUNNY OK, well, please send a new representative down Preferably a human OK, the floor is open Oh…I’ll take a stab here I would say to the gods that you should give House Kings the first pick because— Actually, no, it would go to the Sixers Aw, crap, yeah… OK, gods, you should give House Kings the second pick— No, then it would go to House Celtics, I believe Wait, what? Who made this—I made this Ugh OK, do some—someone else should go. I don’t want to. No house has fallen harder than that of the Grizzly Ser Gasol is gone, but Chandler Parsons—and his stupid contract—remain Eh, could be worse Bless us, oh lottery gods, with the squire Zion, so that Grit and Grind may rise again, as a bane to all Western powers. The great House Knicks has not had a first pick in over 30 years Lord Fizdale? We finally have cast off our overrated European big man to make room for the Great Zion Please, gods, take that for data, and give House Knicks the first pick. Oh yeah, please If House Knicks gets Zion, they’ll just send him away in another terrible trade, right? Rude! You, Ser Kristaps, are now banned from The Garden! OK, you can’t just ban an opposing knight from your arena You’re banned, Mark! Does anyone else want to make a plea to the gods? Ah, Ser Devin. Welcome. Screw House Suns! They rejected our alliance and stole the first pick from us last year. Yeah, they already have Luka! No they don’t Wait, so who did you guys take? I think Trae Young Huh? What? We took Deandre Ayton Oh, yeah How’s he been this year? He’s actually pretty solid… Yeah? Uh, yeah, he’s quietly having a decent squire season -Oh, that’s good to hear
-You like to hear that Ser Anthony Davis? You want to make a plea for House Pelicans? Yes Read this, and we will trade you to House Lakers Not that part. Don’t read that part! Ah, right. OK, let’s try this again We, House Pelicans, are but a humble house, and we kindly ask you for your blessing. Zion is the hero that House Pelicans needs, a knight who can take us further than one playoff series win… …in seven seasons. We once had a transformative, all-realm knight, but he lacked the fortitude to take… the fortitude it takes to commit to a small market. OK, it’s MY fault? That I— Sorry I couldn’t beat House Warriors with Jrue Holiday and half a season of Boogie Cousins. Um, thank you, AD… House Cavs, would you like to make your case? If the gods truly care to see the squire Zion flourish, they should give the first pick to House Cavs, where he will be surrounded by championship-caliber veterans and a Lord who knows how to win. Oh, please. You know, there’s a reason I left… twice. Oh yeah? Because you’ve made House Lakers such a welcoming place for young talent? Who’s fitting out now? Hey Kevin? Yes, LeBron? I miss you. I… I miss you too All right, guys… let’s maybe keep the overt tampering to a minimum. OK, then. Who’s next? House Hawks? Wait, every house here has to go? Ugh. Yes. House Hawks, please go ahead. All right Um, dear lottery gods, our house is on the rise If Zion joins us— maybe 42-year-old Vince Carter won’t have to play 17 minutes a battle OK, who else? Minnesota? I mean, how many No. 1 picks do you guys need to make the tournament? Apparently more than three This is fun Hey, do us No Who else? House Wizards? I mean, who wouldn’t want to play with Dwight Howard? By the way, when does John Wall’s supermax start? Next year? Asking for a friend OK, who else we got? House Bulls? Oh yeah, I’m sure Zion wants to spend his first year having knights-only meetings -about how many push-ups are OK.
-OK. OK. All right. LeBron… please show a little respect. For many of these houses, this is the highlight of their season. Here, here! Oh yeah, and why is that? Maybe instead of looking to the gods, you all should be looking at yourselves. Rubbish houses with uninspiring Lord Commanders, foolish masters of trade, arrogant lords You’re banned! These are things a knight, no matter how great, can’t overcome. I learned that the hard way Zion may be the Prince who was Promised, but he will not save you. Because if you don’t give a GOAT the support he needs, then he’s gonna walk out the door. and all you’re gonna be left with… …is poop on the floor. All right Well, on that note… why don’t we go ahead and see who got the first pick? And the winner of the Zion lottery is… House Pelicans! [Murmurs of disappointment. Gayle Benson cheers ecstatically.] Your Grace? You wanted to see me? Yes I like to pretend they’re…little eggs You see, the lower houses, they are the hens. And I… am the fox that snatches their little babies. You’ve collected so many… So much talent almost, uh, too much In Bostonia, there is no such thing as too much. I know one thing Lord Pop would have never lost control of this house Pfft…Spurs of the East… Lucky for you, there’s one last road trip before the tournament starts. I suggest you find a way to get our knights on the same page. Or else… You would never. This city loves me. Like they loved The King in the Fourth? Get it done Unbelievable we gotta share a tent with the rotation guys We was the heroes last year! If you’re feeling cramped, expand your mind Squires these days…so entitled Better stop calling us squires, Marcus You don’t scare me, Terry You think you’re some wise veteran— What is that? I’ve seen that before. That there is a Soul Box. When you sign with House Spurs, your soul and personality go into that box. So it’s like a…Spurs culture thing? I didn’t want it to come to this but there is too much talent here in this room for us to be treading water in the fourth seed. The Soul Box will help us contain our emotions and our egos, so that this group can reach its potential. Also makes you dull as dirt That thing’s the reason nobody heard of me in San Antonio Oh, yeah. That’s the reason. I’ll do it All right, Al I want you to close your eyes and place your hand on the box Ser Al Horford, do you hereby commit fully, to sacrifice your soul for the good of House Celtics? Aye So did it work or what? He didn’t flinch! All right, who’s next? Anyone? I’ll do it OK, no. Lucky— Gimme that box. I’ll do it. -Put my soul right in that box
-Thanks, Lucky, but this is for knights Marcus the Smart? I…I can’t. I’m sorry. My whole game is about emotion. Jaylen? Uh, I’m just worried about my brand is all What about you, Kyrie? Ha, subjugate the light of my soul to your rectangular prism? No way… I can’t even commit to next year Wow…what a leader OK, then why don’t you do it? Well, I just… don’t want to jeopardize my Mamba Mentality is all. Yeah, gods forbid you stop shooting 20-footers Yeah, gods forbid you stop shooting 20-footers Oh, please. You’re one to talk. -Oh, I’m Jayson Tatum. I’m the man.
-Very funny. I’m going to House Pelicans to be the man! All right, guys. Come on! You know what? Clearly, this was a bad idea, OK? You guys are obviously not the Spurs, and I am clearly…not Lord Pop. No…you’re not You’re Brad Stevens. The best X’s and O’s man I’ve ever known Yeah, nobody can write out-of-timeout plays like you Yeah, well, unfortunately, there’s no timeout long enough for me to fix all of THIS team’s issues. But what if there was Who said that? The Time Lord… Wait, ‘Time Lord’? I thought that was just a nickname. There’s a lot of things people don’t know about me Don’t get enough minutes Tell me about it But I’m pretty versatile. I can rebound, I can block, and I can stop time. Where’d you learn how to do that? Texas A&M But you were only there for two years! …or was I? Whoa So how does one just…stop time? Just asking questions here It’s a magic potion…called So’Da Banned in the realm since Jason Kidd used it against House Lakers, late in a battle when he had no timeouts left. Exactly how long are we talking about here? It will last till either you’ve come up with a way to solve our problems… or 34 years…whichever comes first Why 34? It’s the Truth… 34 is the Truth’s number The guy who’s worse than Dwyane Wade! Actually, no. That’s just how much So’Da I have. All right, you’ve got this, Lord Commander! Yeah! -You’re Brad Stevens!
-You’re a freaking genius!
-You’re smartest in the realm! We know you can do this, Lord Commander! Are you all mad? Do you really think he can just come up with some magical out-of-timeout play that’s gonna fix all of our chemistry issues? Yeah, you know what? I do. Because I’m Brad F–king Stevens Time Lord, ready when you are All right Time… OUT OH F–K Lord Commander? You look like you’ve aged— 34 years. Yep. So you…you didn’t…? Nope So, what’s all that? Mostly just gibberish. I gave up 20 ago, actually. What’s THAT? All right, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Bad news first Lucky got frozen in time with me The So’Da spilled on him Oh, no. What have I— Unfortunately for Lucky, he swore a blood oath to always perform during timeouts, obviously never thinking he’d, well…yeah. But he kept performing. He was juggling. Dancing. Doing those wacky dunks Man, was he funny By year two, he was mostly performing stuff that could be done from a chair, like balancing bowls, singing, whatever. It was around year three where…he stopped talking He was just miming and deliriously flailing his arms By year four, I thought he was doing this long bit where he would just play dead. By year five, I realized… it wasn’t a bit. So, um… what’s the good news? Well, I came up with a few pretty clever inbound plays that might get us to the second round. And together, we’ll rule the world… from edge to edge. Thank you, Kyrie. I’ll be in touch. What’s he doing here? Oh, he was just… asking questions. What are you doing here? I thought it was quite generous we let you hang around for six battles. Now you’re just being greedy with my time. Clearly my defense has yet to earn your respect. I respect your effort… and I heard you said nice things about me after the battle. You’re a worthy opponent. If you like me as your opponent, you’d love me as your teammate. Free-agent talk will wait until after the tournament. Oh, come on. Have a little fun… gods know you’re not having any here. If you want some scrub, go to an eliminated house. If you want a king… earn him. Wow, pure gold. It’s funny. I thought your throne would be made of salt. You’re insolent. I’ve dropped 40 on men for less. They were lesser men. Oh, please. Didn’t I just drop 50 on you? We’re done here. Well then, I guess good luck in New York. Who says I’m going to New York? Oh…everybody. The Garden is the biggest stage in the Realm. I would be the GOAT if I turned that house around. And if you fail…on this “biggest stage in the Realm”? Wah! Can’t win with those cats. Listen to your burner. You can’t win with those cats. What you need is a dog. A hungry, loyal hound. You’re proud to be a dog, eh? That’s a new one. Men love dogs. What they loathe are snakes. If you’re trying to lure me to House Clippers, you’re doing an awful job. You know, now that I think about it, House Clippers would be a terrible fit. I mean, we all know you only take… the hardest road. And House Clippers would be…smooth sailing, really. You’ve got Lord West, builder of empires, two max slots, the best lord commander in the Realm and a bunch of hungry, loyal dogs just looking for their alpha. It’s almost too easy. And besides, if you came to Los Angeles, It would be so unfair to King James. Upstaged night after night in his own city, by the man who was always second-best. You know, for a free agent, you’re very loyal to House Clippers. Loyalty is what dogs do best. Hey, uh, KD? It’s my turn to sit on the throne. I should be going. You’ve been very generous with your time. We should talk. Well, maybe if you didn’t miss all those threes… We got jinxed by The Truth… He’s a bloody monster! Who could’ve expected Fred VanVleet? Men, we gather today to celebrate For if the whispers are true, Ser Giannis will be anointed the Most Valuable Knight. Thank you, but how can I be deemed the ‘most valuable’ when I couldn’t even get us to the Finals? King James used to crush House Raptors without breaking a sweat. They were a different house then. They didn’t have that…monster. We should be proud. We won 60 battles this year. Yes, but it is all for nothing. Our tournament is over. The offseason has come. If the Maesters are right, Durant will be heading East, which means it’s going to be hard for us to even make conference finals again. We should ride home. We should test the market. Maybe sign with House Pelicans again? Or House Bulls? I hear House Lakers needs talent. As a former knight of House Suns, I know misery, and this is not it. Sure, we’re defeated, but we are not without hope, for we have the honor of fighting alongside true greatness. Not just of skill, but of character. The King of the North may rule the East for now, but I recognize only one true king. And his name is long and full of letters. Giannis Antetokounmpo is my king from this day until his last day. And you know what? I DO want to be here. Last year, I fought side by side with King James. I didn’t think we’d find another GOAT in the East… not in my career. But I was wrong! Giannis is not only the Most Valuable Knight in the Realm. He is The King in the East! Assuming Kawhi leaves, of course! I remember the days when Brandon Knight was our best knight… or maybe it was Ramon Sessions. As Giannis has grown, so has the dignity and respect of this house. We have not known hope like this since the days of Ser Alcindor and the Big O… and it’s all thanks to Giannis. The King in the East! To next year! -The King in the East!
-To next season! -The King in the East!
-To the future! -The King in the East!
-The King in the East!
-The King in the East! Oh, how quickly they forget Nine years, I ruled the East. From 3-1 down, I slayed the Warriors From the brink of baldness, I have restored my hairline And from the ashes of a lost season… I will return. Rested Reborn Re-groined To reclaim my throne As the true king… Of…the… Sea! Jam! All right. Cut, cut! JaVale, you dunked on the wrong basket And Melo, what are you doing in front of me? Why aren’t you in the banana canoe? Because I’m a star, Lebron And stars should be in leading roles All right, well, hold on— Matt Barnacle, stop strangling Derek with the fishing wire Well, it says here in the script that I swam 95 miles to kick his ass so I figured I’d—figured I’d do it. Completely uncalled for! You’ll never be Kobe, LeBron! -Yeah, you ain’t never gonna win an Oscar!
-Yeah! OK, can someone get those guys out of here? Also, where did Magic go? He was supposed to be here. Um, excuse me? Can I play Kevin of Durant in the Monstarfish? No, Brandon. You’re—you’re in the wave. Ugh, I think we need to do a rewrite. This is just not working. I stand by it I’d take Mike Muscala over Brook Lopez a hundred times out of a hundred [sigh] You know, Larry? I’m really glad I quit House Lakers Now I can just watch battles and send ravens, hang out with you, my best, rival-friend, and none of it’s tampering! Ugh, I just wish there was a way to know when a new Game of Zones came out Subscribe! Subscribe! Come on, Larry. Use your person voice What I was saying, you idiot– Ah, bup! No trash talk, Larry Bird We’re past that If you just hit the “subscribe” button… they will notify you when a new Game of Zones comes out