Dan Calls Out His Big Head & Relives His Football Days

– For a while, I had to take the ear
pads out of my helmet to get my helmet on, and then would have to clip them in once I had my helmet on. (upbeat rock music) (fire crackling) – Ooh, ooh, wee. – Short and weak, but we’re back. It’s The Bonfire, Comedy
Central Radio Series, XM 95, I’m Dan Soder. That just slice of delight
is Big Jay Oakerson. – Are you saying that while you watch me dive into our, now, weekly, studio munchkins? – Studio munchkins! And we’re not talking about
cruel terms for little people. We’re talking about tiny doughnuts. – Little doughnut holes. – Little doughnut holes are fucking, I go and buy an iced coffee and Jay and I have
fallen into the tradition of buying a box of munchkins, but now we know the 25 one, not the 50. – Yeah, the 50 was just.
– It was a lot. That was painful. – I ate five doughnuts worth of munchkins. – Here’s the thing, I probably ate, yeah. I was gonna say, all the jelly filled, I’m pretty proud of myself for getting all of the jelly filled out of the 50 box. – You nailed it. – They said that walking
into the building though, I’m carrying a little briefcase like I’m a child going
to visit his dad at work. Like, oh look, Dan’s got a
little briefcase of doughnuts. – Oh, this one had a
little hint of jelly in it. – What did you just say? – This one.
– Dude. As quickly as the
munchkins brought us apart. – You think you took the box
and found all the jellies? – I did on the 50, I didn’t on this one. – You bought this box, so. – [Dan] I’m the jelly king
doughnut of the Bonfire. Let it be known. I’ll state my dominance in
the jelly doughnut world. – I wish you’d try to grab one. – Dude, upsert my power,
watch what happens. I will strike you down like Lou Witzki. I murdered him, that’s
why he’s not here today. He took a jelly doughnut. – What’s the cake one? It’s unbelievable. – It’s unbelievable. This whole box is great. Just, you know what,
they’re not giving us money. Just go buy a Dunkin
Doughnut’s box of munchkins. – Get some munchkins and come back and remember what you
love about munchkins. – Yeah. – It’s not just cub scout
parties of your sad moms anymore. – Yeah, this isn’t A.A. meetings where they’re trying to
spruce things up on a Tuesday. – Just, in an enjoyable
moment in your life, get a box of munchkins.
– Buy some munchkins. Fucking pretty good. – Get a ten-zo box for yourself. – Just down 10, who cares,
no one’s watching you. Live your life. – Realistically, I don’t
think I had 10 munchkins out of the 50 box, for sure, but, that said, I probably
did eat, you know, two doughnuts worth of munchkins. You could easily do that. – Well, you know, you just keep going. – If you bite a munchkin in
half, I’ll just fight you. – Oh, yeah. I mean, what about
if you do it in a shark way, which Jacob can respect, which you bite then a toss back? Like, a bite, like a T-Rex. – Oh like, tear at it and then
get it back in your chops. – A bite, throw it into your mouth. – That’s still one bite, I’m counting that.
– Okay, cool. You’re a reasonable man. – I’m still counting that as one bite. – DJ Lou Witzki, not murdered. He is in Boston, Massachusetts. Is that where he is, Boston? ‘Cause I know Pearl Jam
was there last night. ♪ Even ♪ (Dan scatting) – Oh, see, oh, I’m happy to see
that Lou Witzki is out here. – Hey, guys, yeah, I see
that New York Mets hat again. Didn’t we talk about not
letting him in the building? – Oh, shit, there he is again. Oh my God, there’s two of him. Holy shit, there’s two of him. – They don’t die, they multiply. It’s the prestige, oh. – There’s two of him. – Oh no, they’re like Spy
versus Spy, but the same person. – I thought you were in prison. – Yeah, if you guys ever wondered, DJ Jacob Battat running the boards. – [Big Jay] Jakey Jake. – Ole’ dry Jake Ole’ Hayhaw. – [Big Jay] You know
what I love about, Jacob? He’s all eye contact
while he plays a tune. – He’s real proud of it. – He really has a “Check this shit out”
– Real proud. – “You guys wanna see
me grip it and rip it?” “You know what I’m doing? “You wanna know what I’m doing “while Lou’s humming
along to some old wino?” Yeah, live. A couple times. I’ve done too many drugs every
time I’ve seen Pearl Jam. Never seen Pearl, never seen
a good show out of Pearl Jam. All my fault. – [Big Jay] Really? – Every time. – You did not enjoy it both times? – I was too fucked up.
– I thought the one though, you ended up enjoying. – Couple songs, but I’m
talking about the whole show. – No, I thought in Bonnaroo. – No, I didn’t even know
that concert happened. – [Big Jay] Oh shit. – The lights kicked on and I was like– – That was the molly, wasn’t it? – And mushrooms. – That was a lot. – You were candy splazzin’. – Dude, whatever they call it, yeah. I was nipple slippin’. – You were flugel dorkin’? – I was fucking cloud sucking. It was terrible. They kicked on like the main like, you know the big lights, or whatever? When they tell everyone
to go home and I was like. – Dan starts sucking
on his candy bracelets. (both groaning) (imitating chewing)
– Yeah, Ari was like, “Let’s get out of here”. I was like, “Yeah, need
to get out of here.” – “No, we really should get out of here. “The Great Tree wants to talk to us.” – Yeah dude, I was fucking, it’s like, you can hear light
when you’re that fucked up. Like, it was like, the light was loud. It was like, (imitates buzzing), I was like, “Uh, I need to leave”. So yeah, I’ve never
enjoyed a Pearl Jam show, but again, all my fault
taking too many drugs. I’m an idiot. Next time, I’m just gonna
see them a little stoned. Like a reasonable man in his mid-thirties. Yeah.
– I was just at a this weekend, where you were in? – I did Governor’s. – [Big Jay] Right. – Brokerage. Bellomore, Long Island. Lotta campers out, had a great time. – Lotta good food. – Yeah, it was actually fun.
I had a really good time. And it’s always fun to
sleep in your own bed, and do shows.
– Yeah, that is nice I can home Saturday
night after Providence. Providence was great. – Yeah, I love Providence. – Great, Falcony came out – Hey! – O.G. camper. – Wedding’s coming up. – Getting married, DJ Lou Witzky is going? – [Christine] I don’t know. – Do we not know? He should go.
– Yeah, Christine just said that like a mom that’s mad at a family member, but you don’t know why. She went, “I, I don’t know. “That’s what,” “Lou does what Lou wants to do. “and we all have to be okay with that.” – “I guess that’s just gonna
be a Lou Witzki decision, when Lou Witzki decides to make it.” – “But if you wanna know
what Lou Witzki’s doing, “why don’t you just call up Lou Witzki?” Do you want another munchkin? Would that ease the tension in the room? Another munchkin? Okay, I’ll pass you over the briefcase. – Thank god, someone wore
drawstring pants today. – Whoa dude, do not knock her when everyone’s on Team Munchkin’s. I go, “Why are you wearing warm-ups, “like you’re about to play in the NBA?” – Buddy, I’m juggling
these things into my face. – Yeah, you’re going to
Philly this Thursday. – (Both) Yeah! – You had one, Jacob. – Oh, you fat shit.
– Now, you’re on. – Oh God.
– Oh I see it going down your whole body. – You tub of shit. We’re gonna have to open the walls to get you out of the studio. – [Big Jay] Ew, dude. – Hey, My 600 Pound Life. – [Big Jay] Nobody’s gonna want you. – Yeah, you’re gross. – I’m your friend, so me and
Dan will come over on weekend, and wash you with rags
on sticks, but still. – I will only do it for
the Instagram pictures. – Oh my god, what does it
smell like in your folds. – Oh gross. You just eat munchkin’s
– [Big Jay] Can’t believe he pounded that – You just assaulted that munchkin. – What if he was just chewing it up and he spits it into Christine’s mouth? – No, I just get the taste
– He goes, “Baby bird” He goes, “Christine, baby bird it.” (both laughing)
– Or Black Lou comes in, and eats it out of Jacob’s mouth. He goes in for the nip
– He just takes it like a hawk. I like him goin’ in for the nip. – One of my favorite
Will Ferrell sketches is the chewed up food. – Is it? It’s so gross. I have
a hard time with that. – It’s just really funny
where he just like, and he goes, “Apple pie!” Chris Kattan, “Will
you chew it up for me?” – I can’t believe they did it. – That’s crazy, that’s what
makes me laugh so hard, is that they actually fucking did it. You can’t fake that. – It’s so gross. – So gross, so gross! And its not, they’re not a real, I mean, I don’t know if you
know this about sketch comedy, not a real family. – Wait, what? – They’re not a real family. – What? – What? (Dan laughs) – That’s stuck in my
fucking normal lexicon now. The Chris Farley “what”
from the decaf commercial. Yeah, we’ll post that at The Bonfire SXM on Twitter, Instagram. Oh, it’s Gwenyth Paltrow. No, that’s not it. That’s I work at, this is with Chris Kattan. Is it Will Ferrell? It’s Andie MacDowell. Is that the right name of her? Andie MacDowell? – No, Julianna Margeliese. – [Dan] Is that who it is? – I think so. – Andie MacDowell’s a person, right? – Yeah, she’s a human being for sure. (Dan laughs) – No, I mean Andie MacDowell could be, it’s probably multiple human beings, but I mean the actress. – [Christine] What about Bob? – What about Bob, right? Yeah, E.R.? – [Big Jay] Groundhog’s Day.
– [Jake] Groundhog’s day. – Groundhog’s day. – [Big Jay] Yeah. – That’s not her, that’s
the girl you said. – It looks like it’s
always winter on her nose? – Yeah, I go, “are you–” – She always has the shiny red nose. – Yeah, “Are you always cold, Miss?” She’s like, “No, I’m
actually feeling quite–” – Family Guy’s so good
at taking celebrities you don’t think of going at so much, and going at them. Just jokes. They have one cut-away like, “Well fine, we’ll get a shot
big enough,” or you know, “a frame big enough in the shot to get “Penelope Cruz’s head the whole way,” or “Minnie Driver’s head the whole way” – Yeah, and then you go, “Yeah,
she does have a giant head.” – Yeah, you look, and you’re like, “yeah there’s a big ass
head on a skinny body.” – I’ll tell ya, as a guy with a big head, it felt kinda nice to
land into the same field where everyone with big head’s goes. – Can I tell you something
as a friend, right now? – [Dan] Yeah. – I want you to understand this, I know what you’re saying about the size, circumference wise, and the
whole hat thing with your head. – Wear a size eight, just got
a new Niner’s hat, Go Niner’s – You’re tall. – Best O and O team in the NFL right now – Size eight’s a big hat. – Yeah. – That said, proportion of your body, you’re tall, you’re broad, it doesn’t look like you have a big head. That is, and I have
all these problems too. You are carrying over child insecurity, because when you were younger, really young.
– Oh, it did not match up. – You were Popsicle. – Yeah, I mean I was a bobble head. – I mean, you know, what are they called? Like one those big lollipops
that someone skips and licks. – [Dan] Yeah, I was a fucking– – A Pippi Longstocking lollipop. – Yeah, I was a lollipop guild. – Yeah, yeah. – Like, “We represent.” Don’t they hold those giant– – And you skip to your Nanna’s house? – Yeah, “Oh, I’m a little
boy with a big head!” – “Hey everyone, I’m passing through” – [Dan] “Excuse me.” – “Just me and my giant lollipop.” – “Excuse me” – “Don’t look at my bloomers.” (both laughing) – [Dan] “Hey everybody,
I’m wearing bloomers” – “I’m just licking a
lollipop wearing bloomers “running through the Forrest” – “I’m in my pajamas with a butt flap “and my giant lollipop.” (imitates licking) Yeah, but it really is, I mean, we’re all like that as adults. You always carry over the thing. It is one of those things where, yeah, of course you carry it, ’cause I was called “Big
Head”, middle school. Whatever effects you in middle school, will effect you as an adult. – Yeah, it’s true, for sure. ‘Cause when you were younger, – [Dan] Yeah. – it looked, bigger.
– Crazy! – Your body was growing into it. – But it really was like a thing where you’re like…
– Your head matured first. – My head, yeah. Instead of like being– – I developed very young. – Which got me a lot of
male attention, sure, sure. But I don’t know if I was
ready for it at that age. – A large head, and I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it. I was getting a lot of whistles. A lot of. – I mean, I’m just a kid. – I remember playing Pop Warner football, and having to buy a helmet
at Play It Again Sports, and they were like
– And you were over sexualized by the guy who worked there? – He fucked me, in the face. – He goes, “You need a jock.” He’s like, “what do you mean?” “What do I mean, I mean, let me show you.” “Okay!” “Oh, alright, do I
leave my lollipop here?” – “Let me put my lollipop down, “it might stick to the leather bench.” – “Hang on, let me put my lollipop down. “Do you have like a plastic plate?” – “Do you have, “what’s the biggest helmet you have?” Dude like, when I went in, he was like, “I think we might need to
special order a helmet.” and I was like, “This hurts.” I was fucking 11.
– Oh yeah, you said that. – I was 11 years old. I was like, “Wait, for a child
you have to special order?” – Buddy, when I joined basketball leagues, and they just, you know,
everyone grab a shirt. And I would just grab,
the same shirt that, they’re giving me the same size as the kid who’s six foot seven. – Yeah. – And like 160 pounds. – [Dan] Yeah. – Do you know what I mean?”
– [Dan] yeah yeah yeah. – So it would pull down like
squeezing a tube of toothpaste. – Oh no. – It looked like I was gonna birth, I looked like a sausage
that no one slit a hole in. – Oh no, so you’re just like
all beefed up inside of it? – And it just sucked, and I would try to stretch them out, and make them sleeveless shirts. I’d wear another sleeveless
shirt under it that was longer. They weren’t long enough. And then, when I played
with a comics league, years and years ago, Talent and all these
Boston Comedy Club comics. They did the same thing, everybody grab a shirt, and I cut mine, this is so
embarrassing to have had to do. I cut it. – [Dan] Yeah. – The first night, I
had to just play in it, – Yeah. – Like, looking ridiculous. And then I went home
and cut it so much up, to make it work, that iI ended up cutting it
straight down the sleeves – So just like down
the sides where it just hung over your head. – Which you can’t do, when you run it’s gonna
flap up and everything, – [Dan] Yeah. – I had to safety pin it to
the shirt I wore underneath it. – [Dan] Oh man. – It looked insane. It looked like I was wearing a
runners number in a marathon. – That’s crazy. – What a moron. – Did you do it up here and up here? Like up here and down here? – No, I put it over my head, like the neck hole was still there. – [Dan] Yeah. Just picture a sleeveless shirt with like, where the armpit is, just cut straight down. – Got it. – So it was like, you know, a poncho. – Am I wrong that back in City League…
– A Gunslinger. – Yeah you just has a fucking (whistle) like, “Here he comes, he just–” – Throw down that gun.
– “Watch his three.” – Am I wrong, or when, I remember in City League’s
when you’re younger, the larger the kid you were, the higher the number you had to take? So it was always like, the
kids in like the 90 jersey, you were like, “yikes!” and then like, I wanted like
a 12, and it was too small. I was like, I gotta wear like a 34. – Like “what’s my number, coach? “300?” – “I don’t know, we ran out, “we ran out of jerseys.” – “I’m just saying, guys,
I never seen a jersey “that’s got three numbers on it before,” he goes, “Yeah yeah, no,
its special for you.” – When we played AYL football, that’s what I played in Aurora, it was like Aurora Youth League, it was patch league for football, which I know a lot of
guys are like, “Pussy,” but I don’t know, that was the
only football league around, – What’s patch league? – If you weighed a certain
amount you had to have a patch on your jersey, which meant you had to
play offensive line. You could play a skill position. And if you were a double patch,
if you were a real fat shit, you had to be a double patch, which means you can only
play center or guard. You weren’t allowed to play tackle. – They couldn’t hit anybody? – Well you were huge. They were basically
doing it for the brains of the giant headed kids
like me with no bodies. They’re like, yeah this
fat kid’s just gonna fuck, dude, I would get demolished
by two-patch kids. – Then its great being the fat kid, that you have a set
position in a lot of sports. – [Dan] Yeah. – I never did patch league anything, but like I was in neighborhood
games in football, just pretty obviously quarterback, ’cause I could throw a little bit, but more than that even, just like, you know,
tight end-ish things or. – You couldn’t be a tight
end though if you’re– – Or you’re short distance
running back stuff, but there was no point in me playing deep coverage or anything, I would get burnt immediately – [Dan] Yeah. – There was many flaws in that game, and in basketball, same thing. – Four or five. – I was never the fastest, but
I was always just down low. – A coach ever believe in you, and put you in three in basketball? – No. – Fucked up.
– But I only played with the, the most I ever played was like Rec league was where we had coaches and stuff. – [Dan] Yeah. – We won the championship, though – Really? – [Big Jay] The year I played, yeah. – Our little league
football team was so bad, we we one and 23. I used to do a bit about it. We lost to a team 116 to zero. – [Big Jay] Yeah, you told me that. That’s crazy. – They put skinny kids on the yellow line, and these double patch kids
were just eating out lunch. He was like, “Move out of
the way,” and you’re like, “Why do you think tall
is good for the line?” Coach Sheets, what an idiot. – Is that one strike
against Sheets Nation? – That is one strike, you know what? I’ll count it. That’s a strike against Sheet Nation. – I haven’t had a pepperoni
roll since that day. – Dude, I’ll never forget. I called my dad at his
bar, at the bowling alley, to be like, “Yo, I’m starting football.” ’cause he was at work
and my grandma was like, “you’re dads at work,”
but its during the day, “call him, he’ll be there”. And I called him, and
he was telling me about, it was a Saturday, and he was like, “You got practice this afternoon?” I was like, “Yeah,” he was like, “Tell the coach
you want to play tight end. “You’re tall and skinny,
and you can catch.” He’s like, “Tell the coach
you want to play tight end, “make sure you tell him that.” and I was like, “You got it.” and you know, it was like, the 49ers, so I was like, “Like Brent Jones?” and he’s like, “Yeah, you’re
gonna be like Brent Jones, “just go there.” So I went and the guy, this fucking coach that
had never coached before, was like, “Oh no,” and I was like, “I wanted to
play quarterback or tight end,” and he’s like, “Well,
we got our quarterback, “you’re not a tight end,
you’re more of a center.” And I was like, “What? I’m the tallest, one of the two tallest kids on the team” – “Plus, you get me a three-point stance, “I’m gonna topple over, man.” – Yeah, I’m a baby deer. This is crazy. I do not know how to support. Man, I blame– – He was like, “I go
four, and I’m going over.” “You better not step that box, “I’m somersaulting as soon as it happens. “I’m gonna do a tumble-sault” – “I’m gonna roll kick that nose tackle.” – You go, “Blue forty-two,
blue forty-seven.” Tumble sauce. – I go, “Call it, call it, call it.” My butt’s just going higher in the air, I go, “Call it, it’s happening.” “It’s happening.”
– Tumble sauce.” – Tumble sauce. Tumble-sault, Oh god. Yeah dude, and then we just got, like all these fat kids would
just like, push me aside, they’d be like, “Move!”
And I’d be like, “Ah!” – And you’re going, your heads just leading
you into thin air, “Ah!” – You know the cartoons where they’re carrying the large plates – [Big Jay] Yeah yeah,
back and forth each way. Are you bringing up the thing first? Steve, funny American Dad, I know you’re thinking of Roger? – Oh yeah, man, it was a– – He’s like, “I got it,
yup, I’m goin over,” with his head. – Dude, it’s almost every Saturday with my mom and her boyfriend, just drinking a thermos
full of rum and coke, watching me just get hammered. – “Put your head down, homo! “I’m not his real dad.” He goes, “No, don’t worry,
I’m not his real dad.” – I don’t believe in sports on dry land. I’m a pool guy myself. I like swimming.
– He goes, “I’ll beat any of these
fucking queers in a pool.” – He goes, “Shave ’em
down, throw ’em in a pool, “see who gets there first.” Yeah man, it was fucking rough. That coach, and then the next year, we had this like, cool old
black guy was our coach, and I was like, “Hey, I
wanna play tight end.” and he was like, “Yeah,
what were you playing?” and I was like, “Center” and
he was like, “Goddammit.” ‘Cause he got the whole team, and he was like, “you guys are awful.” His nephew, Hakim was our running back, awesome! Breaks his arm in the first
scrimmage of the season, we go O and 8. It just fucking, Hakim was awesome! And he breaks his arm and
like, “Hakim’s out the season.” and you’re like, “Goddammit!” And then we just got lit the fuck up. We didn’t lose as bad, but we got lit. Coach Oscar was so awesome, this old black dude named Oscar, and he’s like, “Man, I
want you in the center,” and he’s like, “Oh goddammit!” Because he was tryna
re-correct everything. Oh man, that was brutal. – I like having a bad coach, doesn’t know anything
about the game at all, he goes, “Dan, what do
you play on the team?” “He told me I play Goblin?” – Yeah, “I play go-getter. “I don’t think he knows what defense is.” – “Ball Smack-y Down-y
guy is what he said.” – He was just like, he looked like the perfect football coach, he was like a big fat dude
with monstrous calves, and he wore glasses and a hat
really well at the same time. – And his pants zipped, but then hooked. – Nice try, Yes, they did! He has those gray gym, the fucking coach shorts. – Of course he did, Dan, they all do. And they make those in every size. – He was the nicest guy in the world. Now I’m realizing he was like 28, and just didn’t know football. – I’m starting to think
he may have molested me. – I’m thinking he had all
of us fuck each other. Yeah he, that was when
we lost 160 to zero. My mom was like, “I don’t think your coach
knows what he’s doing.” You’re like, “Yeah we got lit up.” Yeah, those shorts,
from Dazed and Confused. Those are the exact one’s he wore. Yeah, he would just be like– – [Big Jay] Oh yeah. – He was huge too, he was a big dude. You would think he would know– – The guy who yelled at me,
the guys who yelled at me at, was that fucking, the guy was wearing those pants that yelled at me, if I don’t
get the light out of my ass, he was gonna bite it out. – [Dan] Oh, alright. – Yeah that’s when I quit. I faked an injury and left. I told you about when we were at football camp in high school and we had this guy that
used to play football at our high school come back as a coach, and he was an assistant coach or whatever, and we were playing at this football camp in Kearney, Nebraska, and he got hammered with all the coaches, and showed up for the morning
session still hammered. And he was like trying to motivate us, but it was just severely inappropriate. He’s like, “If you guys don’t love this, “if this shit aint making your dick hard, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” And everyone’s like, “What?” The whole time, he had chew in his mouth, and he’s like, “If your guys’ dicks “aren’t rock hard right now to
go out and play these guys.” And you’re like, “Yeah no,
no, it’s a different emotion. “I think we’re more angry
and ready to tackle. “I don’t think we want
to fuck these guys.” It was a really weird thing. – “When you’re on top of him, “you want him looking up
at you letting him know “that he’s staring right into your eyes” – “I bet you want to–”
– “Y’all both won!” – He goes, “I bet you guys
are just looking over there, “wanting to kiss their sweaty
neck under those helmets.” – “Just rubbing’ those cups together, “feeling your ball hairs
get between the holes.” (upbeat rock music)

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