Camp Camp Season 2, Episode 11 – Cookin’ Cookies


Miss Priss: Good morning, ladies! Flower Scouts: Good morning, Miss Priss! Miss Priss: Now, who can tell me what starts today? Flower Scouts: Flower Scout cookie sales! Miss Priss: Yaaaaas! And which troop is going to sell the most? Flower Scouts: Troop #789! Miss Priss: Alriiiiight! And why are we going to do it? Flowerscouts: Because you’d rather die than let that bitch Suzie Mendez make you look bad in front of the other Garden Mothers! Miss Priss: Exactly… …and, as your Garden Mother, I’m excited to tell you that this year the Flower Scouts Organization has included a grand prize for the troop that sells the most cookies in the country: An all-expense paid trip to Cabo! Sasha: O.M.G! Sasha: O.M.G! Erin: I heard Cabo has like, the best beaches. Tabii: Miss Priss, are you for serious? Miss Priss: Interrupting is rude and ugly. Erin, Sasha & Tabii: Sorry. Miss Priss: Now you girls are gonna sell Skinny Minties, Lemon Lilies, and Coconut Cream Candy Tufts until every last loser in Sleepy Peak has diabetes! Miss Priss: I NEED that vacation. I need that vacation. Pikeman: Good luck with that, ladies. Sasha: Ew! It’s the Wood Scouts. Erin: What do you losers want? Pikeman: We merely wanted to offer you the last box of Woodscouts’ Popcorn. Sasha: Nobody likes your shitty caramel corn, Wood Scouts. Get lost! Pikeman: Oh, but I beg to differ. In fact, we just sold 99% of our popcorn supply to the good people of Sleepy Peak. Miss Priss: You did WHAT?! Pikeman: You annoying girls beat us to the punch every year with your cookies. So, we decided to rearrange our sales schedule. Billy: No one’s gonna want cookies when they’re already filled up on… popcorn. Woodscouts: *Laughing* [laughing off-key] Pikeman: Jermy! I told you to stay in the van. Jermy: You forgot to crack the window. Pikeman: I didn’t forget anything! Come on boys, Let’s leave the little ladies to their humiliating defeat. Jermy: But really you’re gonna wanna roll down the window. Pikeman: God, I hate you. Sasha: Ugh! I can’t even with them! Erin: What about Cabooo? Tabii: What are we gonna do? Miss Priss: Ladies. You’re gonna get out there, and sell some cookies. By any means necessary! ♪ OHHHHHHHHH ♪ ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away! ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay! ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play! ♪ ♪ And have adventures everyday! ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard, to believe, but guys and gals it’s true! ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! ♪ ♪ David: We’ll swim through lakes, and climb up trees! ♪ ♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees! ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities! ♪ ♪ And no that’s not hyperbole! ♪ ♪ Our motto’s Campe Diem ♪ ♪ And that means I’m telling youuuuuuuuuuuu ♪ ♪ We’ve got archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking, horseback, training that’ll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming… ♪ ♪ football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc… ♪ ♪ … spaceships, treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal… ♪ ♪ … fantasy, circus trapeze, and fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes, and knives, and chess, and dance, and weights… ♪ ♪ It’s Camp Camp! ♪ Sasha: Flower Scout Cookies! Flower Scout cookie sales! We’ve got your Flower Scout…? Oh, for FUCK’S sake! Erin: Sasha, calm down. Stress causes wrinkles. Sasha: This is bullshit, Erin! Since when do we have to work to sell cookies? As long as I’m cute and beautiful, people should give me what I want! Tabii: Maybe everyone did fill up on popcorn. Sasha: Or maybe they’re all freaked out by your disgusting eyepatch, Tabii! Sasha: Or maybe they’re all freaked out by your disgusting eyepatch, Tabii! Tabii: I’m a monster! [sobs] Miss Priss: Keep it down, girls. Garden Mommy has a wine headache. Sasha: Ms. Priss, this isn’t working. Erin: What should we do? Tabii: I’m gonna eat my feelings. Miss Priss: Girls, you can’t survive in this world on good looks alone. Sasha: LIAR! Miss Priss: I’m just saying that sometimes you have to do some extra work to make things better. Things like my face…or my breakfast. Erin: Maybe she’s right. Maybe if we just work a little harder we can better ourselves and achieve our goals. Sasha: Erin, I know Ms. Priss is the ideal role model, but you sound really stupid right now. Tabii: Yeah, idiot. Erin: You’re right, I’m sorry. Sasha: We’re not the problem. Obviously, it’s these hella-lame cookies. They haven’t changed since, like… the ’90s. We just have to somehow make them better. Miss Priss: *whisper* Oh, that’s better. Tabii: What’s that, Miss Priss? Miss Priss: Desoxyn. Erin: What’s Desoxyn? Priss: Uhm… It’s Spanish for… Sugar! Tabii: Like Mexican cane sugar? Erin: Mexican cane sugar is totes super popular right now. Sasha: That’s right! No one wants that nasty corn syrup stuff when they can have organic sugar from an exotic third-world country. Sasha: Miss Priss, can we have your sugar? Miss Priss: Oh, oh. Heavens, no! Girls! Miss Priss gets her sugars special from her sugar daddy. It’s very expensive. Sasha: But we need- Miss Priss: B-b-b-b-b-but! Sell cookies for Cabo, girls! Penelope’s going to Muffin Tops and riding out breakfast! (off-screen) I was in beauty pageants! Tabii: We need that sugar. Sasha: Ugh, I can’t believe we have to work! Erin: We just have to find a way to get Miss Priss away from her purse. Sasha: But how? Sasha: One box of wine, please! Tabii: Good thinking with the mer-lot, Erin. Erin: It’s pronounced “mer-loh-ch”. Learn French, Tabii. Jesus. Sasha: Eyes on the prize girls! Sasha: All right, girls. It’s time to sell some… Flower Scout cookies! Trucker Hat: Oh, no, thank you. Erin: It’s a brand new formula. Tabii: Baked fresh with real Mexican cane sugar! Sasha: Smell that organic goodness! Trucker Hat: I’m- Sasha: SMELL IT! Trucker Hat: *sniffs* Um, yes, they smell very… GOOD! Oh, very good! I’ll take 20! I fucking love these cookies, yeah! Erin: Um… I think we might need to make more cookies. Sasha: Shit! Tabii: Now what are we supposed to do? Erin: We can’t sell a troop’s worth of cookies without more cane sugar. Sasha: Aghh! This is so annoying! I guess now we have to track down Ms. Priss’s sugar daddy. Tabii: But how? Sasha: One cellphone, please! Dealer: *gasp* I-I’m just holding for a friend! Sasha: Calm down, Sugar Daddy. Dirty Kevin: Penny, is that you? Sasha: Miss Priss couldn’t make it. You’re dealing with us now. Dealer: H-heh, little girls, I ain’t interested in buying nothing. Sasha: Well we are! Erin: Mexican cane sugar. Tabii: The good shit. Dealer: Oh, right. “Cane sugar”. Look, Dirty Kevin don’t sell to no kids. Sasha: You do now. Tabii: So, do you know how to bake? ♪♪♪ Sasha: *groan* Not good enough. ♪♪♪ *groan* Can’t this go any faster? ♪♪♪ Tabii: Stay – off – our – turf! ♪♪♪ Guzman: What do you mean, “we’re losing business”? We’re the goddamn Mexican drug cartels! Who are we losing business to?! Cartel Member: Well, Mr. Guzman, our people are calling them: “Las Diablitas”. ♪♪♪ Kevin: Boss, we got a problem. Sasha: URRRGH… What is it now? Kevin: Well, it seems this whole cookie operation has upset some powerful people… …south of the border. Tabii: Like, in Mexico? Ew! Erin: Can we just build a wall around that place already? Dirty Kevin: The Cartels ain’t too happy about our, uh, “sugar sales”. They want to meet face to face. What should I tell ’em? *inhales* UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH– Tabii: I didn’t even know Mexico had rich people. Erin: It’s probably fake. They do the same thing when Americans go to North Korea. Tabii: You’re so smart, Erin! Sasha: Let’s wrap this up so we can get out of this hella-gross country. I swear if one more street boy tries to sell me gum. I’m gonna flip. Sasha: Um, buenos dias. We’re here to see Señor Gooz-man. Purple-shirt Cartel: Uh, L-Las Diablitas? Tabii: Hey! Que! The hell, did you just say to me? Red-shirt Cartel: Las Diablitas. Guzman: So, you three are the ones who have been causing us such trouble. It was foolish of you to come- -what the hell? Tabii: Hold up! Are you saying that…I’m stupid? Guzman: Someone get this monster away from me. Her eyepatch is freaking me out! Sasha: Tabii, down! Listen up, amigos. We don’t know what your beef is with our sales. Erin: If anything, you should be thanking us for supporting the economy of your gross-ass country. Señor Guzman: What is she talking about? Sasha: Hit ’em! Señor Guzman: Guards! Sasha: Now, I’m going to ask all of you losers this once and only once! You REALLY want to fuck with these bitches?! Or would you like to buy some cookies? Señor Guzman: We will buy. We will buy all of them, right? Cartel Members: ¡Sí, sí, sí! Sasha: Thaaaank yooooou. Ugh! This has been the worst cookie year ever! Erin: But on the bright side, we should finally have enough money to go to Cabo! Erin, Sasha & Tabii: CABOOOOOO! Guzman: But…you’re already in Cabo. Sasha: What did you say? Señor Guzman: I- I said you’re already in Cabo! Tabii: Uh no, this is Mexico! Mex-i-coooo? Guzman: ¡Sí, sí! Cabo San Lucas.
This is where I live. Erin: Wait, Cabo is a city IN Mexico? Guzman: Yes! Tabii: Waste. Of. Time! Ugh, I can’t believe we were trying to win a vacation to gross-ass Mexico. Erin: Seriously. Miss Priss: Auh! Keep it down, girls. Garden Mommy has a wine headache. Erin: Do you guys think there’s anything to be like learned from all this? Max: Damn it, Nikki. I told you to pull up! Sasha: Yeah. Thank God we live normal lives, unlike those losers. Platypus: Muack! ♪ I know I talk a lot of shit but when you making dollars… ♪ ♪ …you ain’t gotta make a lotta sense. ♪ ♪ Look I started at the bottom, couldn’t even top the rent! ♪ ♪ Now I’m rollin in the dough and I ain’t talking chocolate chip! ♪ ♪ Got me feeling like I just hit the lotto… ♪ ♪ … hit the club and order up a couple of wine bottles.. ♪

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