♪ ♪ T-G-I-F, kiddos!
Boy has it been a week! David: Monday we went base jumping
for Ered’s Extreme Sports Camp, Tuesday we froze Harrison alive
for Magic Camp, I can fix that… David: Wednesday was a double-whammy
for Arts and Performance! (sinister tone):
Do not move a muscle. David: And all of these
hilarious props and gags are courtesy of Thursday’s
Visual Comedy Camp! [toy horn konk] Thursday’s over, Scotty. Go back to your tent. [sad toy horn honk] So, Gwen, Which camper are we focusing on
to wrap up the week! Uh… Oh no. Come on, co-counselor.
Who’s it gonna be? It’s…Nurf. [dramatic sting] Breach! Oh dear.
Nurf’s…camp? What camp did Nurf sign up for? Nurf…didn’t sign up for a camp… his parents signed him up… for behavioral correction camp. (quivering):
Boot Camp. FUCK YEAH! Scare me straight! In all seiousness though, if I
don’t see definitive results I’m contacting my parents. I don’t— AND DON’T BE A FUCKING FA— [BLEEP] —Or I’ll tell them you touched me! [toy horn honk] ♪ Oh… ♪ ♪ There’s a place I know
that’s tucked away, ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay. ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play, ♪ ♪ and have adventures every day! ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe,
but guys and gals it’s true! ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place
for me and you! ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes
and climb up trees, ♪ ♪ catch fish, bugs, bears,
and honeybees! ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities, ♪ ♪ AND NO THAT’S NOT HYPERBOLE! ♪ ♪ Our motto’s Campe Diem ♪ ♪ and that means I’m telling you… ♪ ♪ We’ve got: ♪ ♪ archery, hiking,
search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ horseback, training that’ll
save you from a heart attack, ♪ ♪ scuba diving, miming,
keeping up with rhyming, ♪ ♪ football, limbo, science,
stunting, ♪ ♪ pre-calc, spaceships,
treasure hunting, ♪ ♪ bomb defusal, no refusal, ♪ ♪ fantasies, circus trapeze, ♪ ♪ and fights ♪ ♪ and ghosts ♪ ♪ and paints ♪ ♪ and snakes ♪ ♪ and knives ♪ ♪ and chess ♪ ♪ and dance ♪
♪ and weights — ♪ ♪ It’s Camp Camp! ♪♪ (crackling fire) Right.
We knew this day would come. – I don’t know if I can do this, Gwen! Camp is supposed to be about learning…
and having fun! Well we’re gonna learn that little shit
some MANNERS, David! because we are contractually obligated to! I am NOT…
moving back in with my parents (whining):
But I’m not tough enough to run a boot camp! [SCREECHING] Thank you!
– Mhmm. YOU may not be tough enough
to run a boot camp, David, but I can teach you. Teach me? Oh yeah. Teach you how to be mean —
how to be HARD! How to keep kids like Nurf out there
from walking all over you! After all, there’s only one camper at Camp Campbell
worse than him, and it’s me. What do you want? Double dessert, no activities for a week, and David’s social security number.
– Done. Gwen!
– SHUT UP, DAVID. Okay.
– No! You can’t just back down the moment
someone gets in your face, idiot! Yeah! Ya gotta stand up for yourself! I can’t do this alone, which means you’ve got to
pull yourself together! Gosh darnit,
you’re right, Gwen. Today’s the day I get hard! – …Okay maybe we don’t
phrase it like that. Oh no!
Rule 1: No backing down! Look out, world! I’m hard and I’m coming! Whether he likes it or not,
Nurf is gonna let me in! Owie. …So does he want to help Nurf
or fuck him? [military drumline] DAVID:
Alrighty, Nurf. It’s high time we whipped you
into shape! Uh…sonny! Now I am confiscating
that pocket knife! *cries and whimpers* You’re pathetic. – And getting blood on my boots. Guys, I just don’t know if this whole
“tough guy” technique is going to work. What if we just…
I don’t know…give him a hug? Those always make me feel better! NO HUGS! You’ve just got to change
your perspective on life. Tell me, how do you feel
about your co-counselor Gwen? [sniffles]
Well… She’s smart,
she helps me run activities… No, no!
You’re being positive again! Gwen’s the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage, and has no idea what
she’s doing with her life! (seething):
What. There’s no time-traveling doctor
coming to save you, Gwen! Get your shit together! (crying):
I just want to have his British babies! (weeping intensifies) Now,
it’s your turn. ♪ ♪ (kitty squealing) Nurf!
I’ve got a bone to pick with you! – Let him have it. – Now this may sound harsh, but gosh darnit,
I DON’T THINK YOU’RE VERY NICE! In fact, I’d go as far to say, YOU’RE MEAN! …Okay
let’s dig a little deeper there, idiot. Right! I know that’s probably hard to hear!
– No… – And may have even
been a litte too far! – Not at all…
– But by golly, It seems to me you’ve never
been very polite to anyone! – (muttering:)
God damnit. I just don’t think you’re
aware of the impact your behavior is having
on other campers! But…you know…
if you ARE aware of that, then that is some good self-awareness! – Okay now you’re just complimenting him So, the tough love approach, huh? You know, my uncle
believed in tough love. Turns out child protective
services didn’t, though. …Excuse me? Assuming I’ve always been bad
is pretty narrow-minded of you, David. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I’m just a product of a judgmental,
overprotective society? – Uh…
– I mean you chew ONE pop tart into the shape of a gun…
and BAM! In-school suspension! Suddenly you’re labeled a problem child. “You’re not like the other kids.
You’re bad.” So then you get sent
to a place where other kids perpetuate the same negative
mentality, making you worse, so that by the time you
return to normal school life, you actually are bad. Thus continuing the endless
cycle of crime and punishment. Until all that’s left
is a little boy. A litle boy who only believes he can
be what the world tells him he is. A loser. A lost cause. A bully. Nurf…
I am so sorry. Whatever, dick-turd! [squaling and sobbing] Man he is…
way more fucked up than I thought. You two are idiots. Being tough isn’t the
same as being an asshole. You guys gotta take this from
a more psychological approach. – How do you know?
– As a matter of fact, I dual-majored in psychology. So you have TWO useless degrees? …Yeah. [sobbing] What are you suggesting? Well… You sure you don’t want to
get in on this whole Nurf-centric adventure today? Yeah I’m good. We’ll probably do something
crazy next week. (sarcastic):
Oops! Didn’t see ya there! Just kidding,
I was fully aware of the situation. I’m just acting out for attention. That being said, I do think
I need corrective lenses. My mom just won’t take me. DAVID:
Nurf! I think it’s time we all had
a little talk. Oh so we’re doing the whole
Freudian thing now? Everyone wants to
fuck their own mom. Get over it. [whimpering] (whisper):
Be strong. Nurf, we feel as though you have
a relatively strong grasp on the events that have led
to your negative behavior, and we wanted to walk through
them with you together, in the hopes of finding a solution. This isn’t going to be easy, but we think—
PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. but we think that this is the only way we’re going to get
to the root of your issues. So, Nurf,
What do ya say? Well… I think it all started
when I joined the ballet. . . . [orchestra playing warm, ambling melody] ♪ ♪ So really all these behavioral problems seem to be stemming from a
vast variety of issues, but what’s truly important
is that I don’t allow society’s labels
to define who I am. That choice belongs to me
and me alone, and I think I finally understand that. (crying):
I think so too, Nurf. So, what are you gonna do now? ♪ ♪ [music stops]
STAB MY DAD! NO! What?! Why!? I don’t know, to break the cycle! What do you expect, I’m just a kid! Eat my farts, butt-nut!
Hyah! [kids screaming] Jesus! What do we do! And where does he keep getting knives! Gosh darnit! We are going to
do things MY way! With aggressive pacifism! I’ll get the bandages. y-y-you shall not pass! Heh-heh. Heh. Heh! [snort] Wait, Nurf!
Stop! No! I’m done talking! My emotions can only be expressed
through sadistic tendencies! I don’t want to talk!
Or shout, or any of that! I just want to give you a hug! Come here little guy! [simultaneous gasps] Oh my gosh! Nurf! I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Woah…that…really hurt…. Jeez I can’t believe I’ve been
subjecting people to physical violence like this. I feel kind of bad
about my behavior. …What? Yeah I think I’m gonna go
sit down in my tent and… think about what I did today. Sorry everybody. Huh. I guess you…did it,
David. Good job. But I didn’t —
Nerf: Hey, David. Thanks for everything. No…WAIT!
We need to talk about this! This is not okay! Nah, man I’m good. I’m gonna tell everyone
about how you helped me today. Goodbye friends! Well. I guess it turns out
at the end of the day… Sometimes you just gotta hit kids! [“Tiny Glowing Screens Pt. 3” by