MAX: How did Campbell ever expect anyone to find this place during a nuclear crisis if it’s so far out in the middle of nowhere? ..Oh. NIKKI: Dang, I forgot my juice box. Max, will you go get it for me? MAX: No way. I already did something nice this week. My quota’s filled. NIKKI: Okay! I’ll just drink whatever they have here. “Expired 1975”. Ahhh, aged to perfection. NEIL: Did you bring something to watch? MAX: Hell, yes! I swiped it from Gwen. It’s this old British show called “Dark Reflections.” I heard it’s shit-your-pants-level scary! But also a very accurate satire of our modern fascination with technology! NIKKI: Ooh, ooh! Let’s watch episode thirteen. “Arrival of the Torso Takers.” TEACHER: Good morning class. Welcome to ‘Human’ Maths. I mean Maths! STUDENTS: Good morning Mr. Allen! MR. ALLEN: Today we’ll start class by learning about… ..the torso. NEIL: Didn’t he say it was math class? NIKKI: Shh! STUDENT: Are you okay? Mr. Allen? You don’t look so good! MR. ALLEN: All this hard counseling work has me famished. Why, I’m so hungry, I could eat… YOU! EVERYONE: AAAH!! *Clank* EVERYONE: AAAHHHHH!! DAVID: Well, I never! You kids are supposed to be asleep! Not watching– “Dark Reflections”?! Your young minds are far too impressionable to take in this kind of dark, bleak content! You’re not British MAX: Whatever. Wasn’t even that scary. DAVID: Oh, really? You think you’re so tough? But you know what happens to arrogant little boys like you who think they’re too cool for school? Sometimes, they go a little too far and rub the wrong person the wrong way. And you know what happens then? they disappear, and their arrogant little bodies are never found again. Max: Wha? David: Ha! I’m just messing with ya, Max! That’s a quote from episode 7: “The Death Ghosts”! Now you kids run along to bed, and don’t you let me catch you having nightmares! Max: The fuck..? David: I wasn’t kidding, you know… Ha! Yes I was! Or was I? Yes I was! Or was I? Yes I was! Or was– 🎵🎵 OOOHHHHHH~ 🎵 There’s a place I know that’s tucked away 🎵 A place where you and I can stay 🎵 Where we can go to laugh and play 🎵 And have adventures every day! 🎵 I know it sounds hard to believe 🎵 But guys and gals, its true: 🎵 Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! 🎵 We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees; 🎵 Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees. 🎵 There’s endless possibilities 🎵 And no, that’s NOT hyperbole! 🎵 Our motto’s “Campe Diem” and that means I’m telling you~! 🎵 We’ve got 🎵 Archery, hiking, search-and-rescue, biking 🎵 horseback, training-that-will-save-you-from-a-heart-attack 🎵 scuba-diving, miming 🎵 Football, limbo, science, stunting 🎵 pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting 🎵 bomb defusal 🎵 no refusal 🎵 fantasy 🎵 circus trapeze 🎵 and fights and ghosts and paints and snakes 🎵 and knives and chess and dance and weights It’s Camp Camp! 🎵🎵 Max: Can’t stop thinking about how weird David was last night. He was sort of pissed at you guys, but he looked at me like… ugh! David: Good morning campers! Oh, I’m sorry if that sounded harsh. As I’m sure you can tell I’m not my usual cheery self. As I’m sure you can tell, I’m not my usual, cheery self. That’s because a terrible violation of camp rules had me tossing and turning all night! Last night, an unnamed trio… …had broken into Gwen’s video cabinet and stole an adult movie! Gwen: GROWN-UP! He means grown-up movie! David: This type of mischief has become far too common at Camp Campbell lately. And after giving the situation some thought, I’ve decided it’s time for a drastic change. Which is why today each and every one of you… will have a personal counseling session with me! Max: Heh? David: Lashing out is a clear sign you’ve all been feeling underappreciated. So I’m going to dedicate a full quarter of an hour for every camper! To understand how I can make your time here at camp the best it can be! I can’t wait to hear what all of you have to share when we sit down together for a one-on-one chat! Just the two of us! All… alone… Max: Did you see that? He did it again! David: Come on, Space Kid, you get to go first because you’re the most… …special! Space Kid: Yay! Bob was right! Max: Seriously guys, I can’t be the only one who finds this whole thing suspicious! Nikki: I think that TV show we watched last night scrambled your brain, Max. You really think David’s an alien, do you? Max: No, of course not! …Do you? Nikki: Why would aliens take David’s body when they could take the body of John Cena? Or Guy Fieri? Max: Fine, if you’re not gonna help me I’ll just get to the bottom of this myself. Max: Bunch of bastards think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy!
He looked at me! David: Hoo, all this hard counseling work has me famished! Why, I’m so hungry I could eat YOU! Max: Holy SHIT, SPACE KID! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN’ ON?! David: Well, hi there, Max! You just caught me in the middle of my snack break! Gingerbread man? Max: Wh-What did you do with Space Kid..? David: Oh, he’s.. gone. David: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got more counseling work to do. I just can’t wait for our session, Max! I’ve got something really special planned for you… Max: There’s something not right about it! Just need to find some sort of clue that proves I’m not crazy! I mean, that he’s hiding something crazy! Keep it together, Max! Max: AHA! Jackpot! July 26th. I told Gwen I lost her blue pen, but I found it later in my vest. I’m so ashamed. No one must know. Jesus Christ, he’s boring. Shit! David: G’oh.. I hate this part! Max: *gasp* What is he doing to his eyes ? David: Oh, finally! All the campers are right where I want them. The feast is being prepared! [evil laughter] Max: Oh my god, he really is an alien doppelganger! I gotta warn everyone! Max: Nikki! Neil! I was right! David’s been torso-taken and is going to eat us all! Dolph? Nerris? Preston? Oh God… I’m shouting for Preston! [chilling scream] Max: The feast! I GOT YOU NOW YOU ALIEN, TORSO-TAKING ASSHOLE! Max: What’s… goin’ on? Nikki: Hey, Max. Did you have your counseling session yet? There’s refreshments after *chomps* Max: But..but I heard someone screaming! Neil: You mean Preston? Nerris spilled soda all over his new dance shoes. Preston: You vile creature! One can never GET soda off BLUE SUEDE! Max: But Space Kid! He disappeared! Nikki: He’s been up here for hours. David had him set up this whole thing! Space Kid: I asked David for more responsibilities around camp. Max: Wow, I guess I had it all wrong.. That stupid TV show did mess me up! Neil: There, there. It happens to everyone. Well, not me. My superior intellect can separate fact from fiction! [angry groan] Not the time, got it! David: There you are, Max! Are you ready for our counseling session? Max: I guess.. I am. David: Before we start brainstorming ideas, I feel compelled to ask something… Max… do you hate me? Max: I- Um… David: I’m trying so hard to make camp fun for you. But it seems that no matter what I do, you never respond. I can’t help but feel a little hurt. Would you be happier with..a different counselor? Max: Jeez, I don’t know… Look, um… I know I was a bit of a dick lately. You’ve just been acting so WEIRD all day! I –heh– I actually thought you were taken over by some sort of alien life-form for a second there. David: Oh-ho, really? That’s preposterous! Max: Yeah, it’s kind of stupid. Although.. Heh–There was one thing I didn’t understand. I saw you messing with your eyes earlier, but I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for that, right? Haha! David: Haha! Hahahaha! Ha ha ha ha ha.. A’hum… Max: Right..? David: Oh Max, so clever …yet so naive. Max: You’re not David! You’re…YOU’RE! That’s right! DANIEL! Bum bum buuuuumm! Max: Oh, thank fucking god! Daniel: What you’re not scared? That was my big reveal! Max: Are you kidding me? I spent all day thinking I’d either gone insane, or that you were a body possessing alien who ate Space Kid! You’re a downgrade to say the least. What the hell are you even doing here? I thought you like, died. Daniel: *scoffs* I think I’m pretty resistant to Kool-aid poison at this point. I just can’t eat dairy anymore You know that’s like Max? NO ICE CREAM? Max: Whatever. You can’t get us to join your stupid cult. You already tried that and failed! Daniel: But I didn’t come here for that. I came here.. for you. You see Max, the last time I was unfortunate enough to have met you, You got me introspective. Where did I go wrong? So, after a lengthy conversation with Xemüg, I came to a personal realization. In the pursuit of eternal salvation for Humanity, I’ve forgotten to salvage.. myself! And my idea of self-care? Killing Max! Max: But why come after me? David’s the one who fucked up your plans last time! Daniel: What would be the fun in that? I have much better plans for him! Watching his favorite camper losing his ever fleeting grip on reality only to be murdered! It’s being live-streamed to him as we spea– David: We really need to fix the Wi-Fi around here. Daniel: No use trying to call for help! I’ve locked everyone in the mess hall! But don’t worry, I’m not completely heartless! I will let you decide how you die! Max: Okay, well, uhhhh– I always wanted to know the ENTIRE history of your ridiculous religion! You know, Zemull, the Star Wars… Every little detail! Even if it takes–I don’t know–several hours? Daniel: Please. I’m not gonna fall for that. Daniel: I’m not David. Max: You’re right. HE probably would have been able to do it in song! Daniel: And HE probably would have been off-key! But YOU can prepare yourself for an auditory obituary. You’ll never forget! [yodeling] Max: I fucking hate musical numbers! Daniel: Ohhh, Maaax! Why’d you have to hit me so hard Maax? Now I have guitar splinters all over my face! Daniel: HA HA! I win! Max: Tell me what David is you maniac! Daniel: I put him someplace no one will EVER find him! Max: Is it the bomb shelter? David: Max! You came to rescue me! I always knew that deep down– Max: Don’t ruin this! David: How did you know Daniel wasn’t me? Max: Easy, he acted like a good camp counselor for a change. David: I’m so happy you’re here! I’m only going to cry over that remark for two hours later! Daniel: J U M P S C A R E ! [screaming] Daniel: I wanted to give you a nice, memorable death, Max! But now you’ve given me no other choice but to stab you, like some commoner.. David: Max! Max: Freeze! I sort of know how to use this! Both: Don’t shoot! It’s me, David! Ha! You wish you were David, I’m David! Gah! No, me! Max: Okay. I’m just gonna shoot you both. David: Max, search your heart! You know it’s me. You have to know! Max: You’re overestimating this relationship! David: What the– Daniel: Owh! Not diary! Oh, god, it’s getting in my mouth. Max: Eh, Daniel has a weird milk thing… It was too boring to follow. Let’s get out of here! Daniel: You’ll pay for this Max! Nikki: Sorry for doubting you before, Max! Neil: In our defense, it was a pretty crazy reach. Max: It’s fine guys, I had to save David. I’m okay with forgetting this day ever happened. Gwen: So, what did you guys do with Daniel? David: He safely locked away until the sheriff arrives. David: Unless anything completely surprising and unexpected happens of course! [Daniel’s evil laugh from the grave] Platypus: Muack! Daniel: Ow! 🎵 Richie Branson – “Not Myself”